[The camera zooms in on the green dot, revealing that it's Lee, skateboarding down dimly lit hallways. He turns a corner and swerves around obstacles.]
Lee: [grunting] "Ho! Di! Hwa!"
[Two cleaners run to the start of the hallway. Spotting Lee, they give chase. Lee grabs a trash can and throws it into their path, but the two cleaners dodge it easily.]
Lee: "Man, these guys don't give up!"
Biffy: [through an earpiece] "You're so dead if you don't make it back before detention's over."
Lee: "I'm also dead if these cleaner freaks catch me, so tell me something I don't know!"
[Lee turns left into another hallway.]
Biffy: "Okay...there's a drink machine coming up." [Lee turns down a stairwell and grinds the handrail.] "Hey grab me a root beer."
Lee: [swerving] "Bwah! Eh! Guh!" [He jumps and pushes off of the machine with his skateboard. The machine dispenses a can of Green Apple Splat.] "Heh. Ah!" [Two cleaners are headed directly at him.]
Lee's Inner Monologue: Why didn't anyone tell me the first day of tenth grade was gonna be the worst day of my life?
Mrs. Ping: [honking the horn] "Move it, slowpoke! Green means go!" [to Lee] "This new school year is very important. You get all As. Not like last year. Lee!" [Lee jumps in his seat.] "Pay attention."
Lee: "It was one. Lousy. C, mom. In gym! That's not even a subject, it's like, some guy's name!"
Mrs. Ping: "Don't roll your eyes at me." [She swerves, and Lee smacks his face against the car window.] "Hit the brake, Charlie!" [to Lee] "And don't talk back to your mother."
[Lee and his mother pull up to A. Nigma High. Biffy crosses in front of the sign. Lee gets out of the car without his backpack on.]
Mrs. Ping: "Forgetting something?" [She tosses Lee's backpack to him.]
Lee: [picking it up] "I–was just about to–"
Mrs. Ping: "No more excuses!" [She drives to the teachers' parking lot.]
Camillio: [walking up to Lee] "Ping. The pong man. What is? Sucks that your mom teaches in the same school, homes."
[Mrs. Ping waves to Cam and Lee.]
Lee: "Tell me about it. But this is a new year, right?"
[Lee and Camillio pass a line of students: a guy wedgied by a tree, a nerd, a jock bullying the nerd, a Glamazon, and the Mathletes.]
Camillio: "Tenth grade, welcome to the big times!"
Lee: "Double digits–"
Camillio: "Sophomore year–"
Lee: "Driver's permit, house parties–"
[Lee and Camillio throw open the front doors of the school. Their jaws drop.]
Camillio: [looking over all the girls in school] "Chiquitas, chiquitas, chi-qui-ye-ye-oo-itas!"
[Lee and Cam bump fists. Steve walks by, lugging behind him three boys who have been stripped naked, tied up, and made to look like freaks.]
Lee: "And no more rookie mistakes."
[Wayne elbows Cam in the head as he enters the school.]
Camillio: "Hey! Respect much?"
[Wayne casts an unimpressed glance back at Camillio and keeps moving forward. A Red Tazelwurm balloon suddenly claws at the air and growls.]
Lee: [laughing] "Ha ha! Dude, you just got pwned by a mathlete."
Camillio: [entering the school] "Yeah well that wouldn't happen if we were in an actual posse man show some colors, we need some backup in the jungle homes."
Lee: [following him] "Yeah. Okay, gangsta. C'mon, people know us. We went to grade school with most of these guys." [to a skater] "Hey, Zed. What's shakin'?"
Zed: [slow to react] "How should I know? I'm not a...a shakeologist."
[Zed's friends laugh, and one of them fist bumps Zed.]
Camillio: "That was when we were kids, we're in tenth grade now!"
Lee: "Yeah, but if we join some clique, we gotta follow their rules, and personally, I don't want to wear guyliner."
[The Emos walk by.]
Camillio: "Fla-ash, this is high school, little homeslice-homitan-omigo, you can't just do whatever you want. There are rules, bro!"
Holger: [offscreen] "Guys!" [He pulls Camillio and Lee into a hug.] "Guys! It's me! Holger."
Camillio: [wheezing] "What is and what was."
Holger: [dropping his friends] "Ooh, you make question of riddle Holger not know the understand too."
Lee: "Camillio wants to know how your summer back home in Vikingland was."
Holger: [cheerful] "Oh! Summer fun, Holger make kiss-kiss with girl!" [He makes a kissy-face and smooches the air.]
Camillio: "Sweetness!" [He and Holger slap hands.]
Lee: [shutting his locker] "Bonus."
[Lee chuckles, but then stops and stares off dreamily. His friends are following suit. The reason? Four beautiful women are heading their way; it seems that the Glamazons have added Brandy to their ranks. Holger sprays aerosol in his mouth and on his armpits.]
Holger: [showing off his dance moves] "Ladies, we make for the disco party time, yes? Holger, mmm-mmm! Ooh-ooh!"
Kimmy: [rolling her eyes] "Who wants to take this one?" [All three of her sycophants raise a hand.] "Brandy?"
Brandy: [confronting Holger] "Holger. Speken ze duh? There is no way any of us would ever be seen anywhere with you or your like, totally nobody friends, even if it was the hottest party of the year and you were the last Y chromosome in existence." [walking off with the Glamazons] "So like, toodles loosio."
Camillio: "Wow. Harsh. Camillio out. Later, homses." [He walks away. Holger's eyes fill with tears and his lip begins to quiver.]
Lee: "Hey big guy, at least she knows your name, right?"
Holger: [cheering up] "Ja. She know me. Me! Holgermiester!"
[The bell rings. Lee is in his first period class: a science class. A frog in the back of the room attempts to escape its glass jar.]
Holger: [breaking his pencil] "Nickelschniffer!"
[A series of tones sound, and the school news comes on a monitor in a corner of the classroom.]
Tina: [hesitant] "Welcome back, A. Nigma High students, to the first day of a new school year. I'm–" [quieter] "–I'm–"
[Her co-host giggles.]
Chaz: "She's Tina Kwee. And I'm Chaz Monerainian. And I am your school news team."
[Lee stares dreamily at the screen while the two hosts talk until his attention is attracted by Holger.]
Holger: "Lee Lee Lee! Girl you want to have the kissy-time with! Tina!"
[The smile falls off of Lee's face and he hides his face behind a book as the rest of the class laughs at him.]
Holger: [hitting himself with a book] "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, sorry, Lee." [still hitting himself] "Holger use outdoor voice."
Tina: [reporting] "Anyone else notice the mysterious disappearance of last year's school principal? We the student body have a right to know!"
Chaz: "So true, Tina. But dontcha frown, A. Nigma High. We're getting a whole new principal. For an exclusive first look, head straight to the gym after lunch." [He winks at the camera.]
[Lee, Holger, and Cam are in the lunchroom, getting lunch. Lee has a soda, and Holger is serving himself food.]
Camillo: [tapping the sneeze guard] "What up, ladies? How's the new year so far?"
Holger: "Many tribulations this morning. Holger break favorite pencil."
Camillio: "Did you see Tina?" [Lee finishes his drink.] "She looks smoking ha-aht onscreen!" [Lee gets himself a new soda.]
Lee: "Hey! Hands off." [He sips his drink.]
Camillio: "Dude, you been saying that since like Grade 5. Make your move already! You should be all like–" [falsetto] "Hi!" [As the guys walk through the lunchroom, the Red Tazelwurm sticks its head up out of a soup pot and looks around before dropping back into the soup.] "I wanna say how amazingly informational you are on TV."
[Lee looks back at his friend and chuckles until he walks into a hulking wall of muscle and spills his purple soda all over the wall's shirt. The wall growls and stares down at Lee.]
Camillio: [softly, to Lee] "I'll get the nurse." [He runs off.]
Lee: "Sorry. But, look! Now the kitten has a cute purple heuh!" [The wall grabs him by the neck.]
Biffy: [low-voiced] "That kitty has a name."
Vice Principal Victoria: [behind Biffy] "Biffy T. Goldstein. Goodness. You let go of that poor, defenseless little student right this minute."
Biffy: [flatly] "Sorry, Vice Principal Victoria."
Vice Principal Victoria: "My, my. Looks like we're starting the year off on the wrong foot." [She walks over to Biffy and Lee.] "So why don't you take the right foot for a little trip down to detention after school." [Biffy grins like a shark at Lee before releasing his victim and following the Vice Principal.] "And on the first day."
[Cam and Holger observe from a nearby table at which they have started eating lunch.]
Camillio: "I could say I was about to jump in there–" [laughing] "–but I'd totally be lying!"
Lee: [joining his friends] "Whatever. What kinda loser gets detention on the first day?" [He clutches at his crotch.] "Ouf. Watch my stuff. I gotta whiz."
[A television at the back of the lunchroom comes on. The news team is making another report.]
Tina: [flustered] "Uh. Ahhtention students we've just recieved–"
Chaz: [interrupting] "Breaking news. Back off Tina. Your new principal is in the building! Go to the gym, pronto!"
Lee: [shifting his weight awkwardly] "Aw, man!"
[Lee enters the auditorium still trying to hold it in.]
Lee: "Okay. My wicked need to leak has now upgraded to evil."
Camillio: [quietly] "Hey. Check it. Tina."
[Lee grins in Tina's direction. She is facing away from him in order to look at the cameraman, but she feels his eyes on her and turns towards him with a smile on her face. Lee realizes how he must look with his hands over his crotch and quickly ducks out of her line of sight and into a seat just as Tina raises her hand to wave. Tina's hand remains halfway up and a look of puzzlement crosses her face before she uses her hand to pat her hair into place and turns back towards the cameraman. Lee, meanwhile, moans softly with the effort of keeping his bladder from bursting. Suddenly, the ground shakes in the auditorium. It is followed by another shake, and then another, accompanied by the sound of metal machinery moving. The gathered teenagers watch as a metal claw pulls back a curtain onstage and a heavy, robotic foot steps out from behind it. The creature that possesses these acoutrements steps up to the microphone.]
Principal General Barrage: "LISTEN UP, you snot-nosed baggy-pants-wearing' maggot-covered puddles of vomitized puke!" [A gasp rises from the audience.] "Scrumming through life like it's some kind of mini-mall! Drinking your fancy la-di-da chocolate mocha with a peaches and cream frappe whatsit on the side of your watusi, well, ZIP IT UP!" [The microphone screeches.] "Java Joes and Josies! 'Cause Principal General Barrage is in command!"
Camillio: [softly, to Holger] "Aw, the new principal could use a hug. Know what I'm saying?"
[Cam and Holger laugh. The principal hears them and uses his bionic eye to scan the audience for the source of the laughter.]
Principal General Barrage: [outraged] "SOMETHING FUNNY?!?!?" [Cam and Holger immediately stop laughing.] "Mister Mary Underpants?"
Camillio: [pointing to Holger] "He did it."
[Principal Barrage's attention is caught by something else: an abandoned backpack on a chair.]
[Lee has vacated the new principal's introductory assembly in order to empty his bladder in the nearest bathroom. There, he hears a mechanized tone coming from a bathroom stall behind him.]
Lee: "Can you bring it down a notch? Trying to focus here."
[The sound dims slightly. A figure watches Lee from a bathroom stall, viewing him through the crack between the stall door and its hinges.]
Lee: [unwinding] "Ahh. Pee level dropping." [He pounds the wall in relief.] "Evil–wicked–mean–okay. Niiice."
[In the stall, the figure holds up a remote and presses a button.]
[The mechanized tone is heard in the auditorium.]
Principal General Barrage: [angry] "Who! In tarnation! Is beeping!"
Kimmie: [as a song begins to play] "What is that?!?"
Voice in the Song: [distorted] "Mann Wurst Finnwich!"
Brunette Girl: "Who said that?"
Guy in Beret: "What's going on?"
Holger: [dancing] "Ay, ay, Holger dance. Ay, ay, Holger–" [The lights go out in the auditorium.] "Huh?"
[The next minute is shown as a sequence of quasi-still shots. First, a stink bomb explodes by some jocks.]
Evan: "Stink bomb!"
Cyrus: "That is just wrong!"
[Students begin to vomit, and puke starts filling the auditorium. Pellets then begin to fall from the ceiling as the students scream and run in a panic.]
Principal General Barrage: "What in tarnation's going on?"
Holger: [still dancing] "Oh, ya, is Holger!" [A pellet explodes into his chest.] "Ow!"
[Soon some frogs–yes, actual frogs–join the fray and add to the chaos.]
Irwin: "The tazelwurm mascot is loose!"
[The Red Tazelwurm works his way through the room and drags Greta off with his tail. Buckets of paint rigged to the ceiling tip over onto the crowd below.]
Random Girl: "I gotta get out of here!"
Random Guy: "We're being pranked!"
Principal General Barrage: "No one messes with the school on my watch!" [He rushes into the chaos.]
Tina: [to Stepak] "Are you getting this? Are you getting this? Tell me you're getting this!"
[Paint and pellets impact Stepak's camera.]
[Lee is washing his hands when he hears the beeping again. He turns off the tap and turns around.]
Lee: "What are you playing in there?"
[Suddenly, the water in the sink he was at turns on again. Lee glances at it, and while he's distracted the lights in the bathroom go out. When they come back on again, the beeping is still coming from inside the stall, but the door is open and the stall is vacant. Suddenly, the tap turns off.]
[In the auditorium, the fire sprinklers blow their tops and spray water down on the ruined assembly. The fire alarm goes off, and Biffy makes a run for the exit, on the way trampling Stepak, who has been filming the whole thing.]
Stepak: "Whoa! W-watch the camera!"
Cyrus: [pounding on the exit doors] "It's locked!" [He and the group around the door back away to look for another exit.]
Principal General Barrage: "Who! Is! Responsible for this!"
[The music stops just as Lee throws the doors to the auditorium open. The lights come on, and Lee sees everyone in the school soaked in the remains of the orchestrated chaos that had just reigned in the auditorium. The sight causes him to burst out laughing.]
Principal General Barrage: "Rrrr...YOU! Did this."
[Lee stops laughing as the new principal storms towards him.]
Principal General Barrage: [threateningly] "Not one day. Not one week. Not even one month." [Lee's pupils shrink in fright.]
Lee: "Uhhhh–"
Principal General Barrage: "You boy, are sentenced to ONE. FULL YEAR. OF DETENTION!"
Lee: "But sir, I was in the washroom the whole time. I-it couldn't have been me."
[The beeping starts up again.]
Frightened Girl: "The beeping! It's happening again! HIDE!"
Irwin: "It's coming from over there!"
[Irwin points at Lee's backpack. The beeping gets faster and then stops. After it stops, Lee's bag emits a cloud of steam, and Barrage picks it up.]
Principal General Barrage: [sharply] "Whose bag is this?" [Mrs. Ping's eyes widen as she recognizes the bag.]
Lee: "Kinda looks like...mine."
Principal General Barrage: [racing over] "If you didn't do it, WHY do you have blueprints for the school?" [He holds up Lee's bag, which is stuffed with papers and blueprints.] "Schematics of the sound system, recipes for stink. bombs?!?"
[The assembled crowd begins to murmur angrily. Lee giggles nervously.]
Principal General Barrage: "Well well you think this is funny. Well, let's see what a knee-slapper it is reporting to the sub-basement every single day at FIFTEEN FIFTEEN!" [The crowd utters sounds of confusion.] "THAT'S THREE-FIFTEEN PM FOR YOU YOGURT-EATING TREEHUGGERS!"
Camillio: [to Holger] "Everyone is gonna hate him! And us! 'Cause we hang with him!"
[Mrs. Ping angrily approaches her son.]
Holger: "Ja. But at least his mummy still loves him."
Mrs. Ping: [furious] "When you get home, you go straight to your room! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A FULL YEAR, EH?!?"
Vice Principal Victoria: [wading through the debris to her boss] "Principal Barrage. Maybe we should cancel class for the rest of the day. I think everyone could use a good clean shower."
Principal General Barrage: [sweetly] "No, Vice Principal Victoria." [determined] "We might smell like Sam Hell, but this is A. Nigma High." [angry] "We stay the course so Mister Ping here CAN GET HIS THREE-FIFTEEN DETENTION! DE! SMISSED!"
[Principal General Barrage presses a button on a remote to call in a cleaning crew.]
[At 3:00 PM, classes let out, and students pour into the hallways. Lee walks towards detention, Camillio trailing behind him.]
Camillio: "Hold up! I got small-ish legs."
[Lee stops to allow Cam to catch up to him. When he does, he notices the Mathletes staring at him angrily.]
Lee: [hustling away from the Mathletes] "I gotta go. I gotta get to detention before someone kills me."
Holger: [appearing in front of Lee, scaring him] "How did Lee Ping make school go kafloofashoop? How? How?"
Lee: "I didn't do it, Holger!"
Holger: [conspiratorially] "Oh, kay, Holger make secret face." [He nods and winks at Lee.]
Camillio: "But your bag, cabron. It was right there. And the stuff, it's like…I don't even know my best friend anymore."
[Lee rolls his eyes and reaches into his backpack.]
Lee: [pulling out a bra] "Does this look like mine?" [Holger eagerly grabs the bra.]
Camillio: "Who knows? Maybe it's all part of your new secret life."
Lee: "Seriously dude, come on! Would I even try to pull off something this epic without your help? Or start wearing bras without telling you?"
Camillio: "Okay, point taken, you didn't do it." [He and Holger gasp.] "But they don't know that."
[Lee turns around and comes face to face with the Dudes of Darkness, all of whom are covered with debris from the prank.]
Cyrus: "Killer song you made for that prank, man." [He and the Dudes of Darkness nod and walk away.]
Camillio: "Whoa." [after the rockers leave] "I thought he was totally gonna twist you up into a guitar and burn you onstage. This is kinda the opposite of what I thought was gonna happen."
[Holger laughs as he continues to play with the bra. Lee grabs the bra from Holger and stuffs it into his backpack as the emos walk up.]
Giuseppe: "Hey, Ping. My dad's totally gonna sue you for ruining my clothes."
[Giuseppe and the emos walk away stoically.]
Camillio: "Yeah, I pictured more of that." [playfully jabbing Lee] "With a hundred and sixty percent more punching!"
Zed: [calling from down the hall] "Prank ruled! Total supremacy, bra!" [He and his clique skate away.]
Camillio: "Now I'm so confused!"
[A gaggle of cheerleaders walks past Lee and his friends. As they pass, they giggle, eyes fixed on Lee.]
Camillio: [getting an idea] "Hold up! I think I figured it out!" [gleeful] "This might be the greatest thing to ever happen to us bro!"
Lee: [backing away] "Do you have a head injury? I gotta spend every day in detention. And then I'm grounded."
Camillio: "Bro! You might actually be the most popular kid in school now." [pulling Holger close] "That means we look cool next to you looking cool, and that's, yeah, cool! So let's not be uncool with the whole 'I'm innocent' thing, okay?"
[Lee is about to respond when a microphone is shoved in his face. On the other end of the microphone is the school's newest female reporter, looking for a scoop.]
Tina: "Lee. Tina Kwee with A. Nigma High News. Looking to score an exclusive on the scoop of the day."
Lee: [scratching his head nervously] "Uh, hey. Heh. Hi." [Another microphone is stuck in front of him.] "What?"
Chaz: "Chaz Monerainian."
Tina: [elbowing her co-anchor away] "Chaz, I've got this one!"
Chaz: [annoyed] "Ahh! No ya don't!" [He bulls in front of Tina and holds out the microphone.] "C'mon Ping, how'd ya do it? Student minds wanna know."
Tina: [trying to push past Chaz] "Really Chaz! Lee! Lee!"
Chaz: [to Tina] "Touch the hair again. Do it." [Tina stomps on Chaz's ankle.] "AAH! Man down!" [Chaz collapses.]
Tina: [interviewing Lee] "Really Lee, please, give me the scoop."
Camillio: [jumping in] "How did my man Lee Ping pull off the biggest, baddest, most kick-booty prank in high school history, is that your question? Huh?"
[Tina nods. Holger grabs the camera, which has been filming in sepia, and looks at it more closely.]
Holger: "How come you use 1928 black-and-white camera with reflex viewing and 9.5 millimeter gauge?"
Stepak: "Well, we lost the other one back in the gym. Sucks 'cause I caught the whole thing on video." [Lee bolts over upon hearing this.] "Everything!"
Lee: [interested] "The whole thing? The gym? Are you serious?"
[Stepak nods, and Lee bolts for the gym. When he gets there, he pushes the door open and looks inside, where some men dressed in white hazmat suits are cleaning up the mess inside. Suddenly, a voice butts in from behind him.]
Brandy: "Leaping!"
Lee: [shutting the door and turning to face her] "It's Lee Ping." [A shadow appears in an adjacent hallway and begins eavesdropping.]
Brandy: "That thing you did today? Totally hot. Bumped your rep to the like, ceiling maximus, so we, me and you, are totally going around now. FYI."
Lee: "Around? FYI? What?"
[Brandy grabs Lee and slams his back up against the wall.]
Brandy: "Hello, we're dating? Duh. You're my man, so be good to me. You know, when people are watching and stuff."
[Brandy walks away. Lee watches her leave until a large metallic hand lands on his shoulder.]
Principal General Barrage: "Party's over!"
Lee: [being picked up] "Aah!"
[When Lee is finally put down, he finds himself in detention.]
Principal General Barrage: "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." [He shuts the reinforced steel door. Lee looks around and takes in the room; he spots a sleeping teacher, a bunch of empty desks–and an angry school bully looming over him with stained clothes and a clenched left fist. Biffy growls at him, and Lee instinctively shrinks back.]
[Lee uses his arms to shield his face as Biffy reaches down, picks Lee up by his shirt, and sets Lee on his feet.]
Biffy: [brushing Lee off] "That...was the craziest thing I've ever seen!"
Lee: "But I didn't do it."
Biffy: [nonchalant] "Oh, of course not. You don't have the devious mind, skills, or physical know-how to plot such epic archaic righteous chaos."
Lee: [as Biffy walks away] "If I wanted to I could."
Biffy: "Naah. 'S not your style." [taking a seat at a desk and picking up some knitting] "No offense, but you're not just that hardcore."
Lee: [dropping the subject and pointing to the sleeping teacher] "What's his deal?" [Biffy hurls a ball of yarn at the teacher.] "Doesn't he–"
Niles: [being hit in the forehead with the yarn] "Unh. Oh." [Still asleep, the teacher rocks back from the impact, settles into his original position again, and rubs his forehead before reassuming his original posture.] "Ow-ah."
Biffy: "Nope."
Lee: [sitting down] "I gotta get outta here. I need to get to the gym and get this camera that can prove I didn't do it." [getting an idea] "Or..." [He takes out his phone and dials a number.]
[Cam's phone is vibrating in the crook of a couch while he and Holger play video games in his basement.]
Holger: "Very good. Uhf. How many bounce do you have?" [happily] "Oh no. You kuhfluffled my shiffilshafen."
Camillio: "Dude. Too weird."
[Back in detention, Lee finds himself unable to get a response to his call.]
Lee: [whispering into his phone] "Camillio! Pick up!"
Biffy: [absorbed in his knitting] "No big whoop. Just grab the tape after detention, and once everyone sees it, you're clear."
Lee: "Yeah, but it won't be there after detention. There's like these psycho cleaner freaks in there."
[The psycho cleaner freaks are indeed hard at work vacuuming up all of the debris from the prank.]
Biffy: "Well, escape is always an option."
Lee: "What about Sleeping Ugly?"
Biffy: "What is your obsession with him? I told you, he never wakes up!" [Biffy gets up and walks over to the teacher.] "HEY! YOUR FACE IS ON FIRE!" [To prove his point, he pokes the sleeping man's face twice, and then walks back over to the array of desks, where he picks one up and hurls it directly at the teacher. The man does not awaken or even react when the desk smashes him squarely in the face.] "Trust me." [pointing at the door] "You could walk right out that door."
Lee: "And what if Barrage catches me?"
Biffy: "Well, if we knew where he was, you could avoid him and get back here before he found out."
Lee: "Fff. And how are we gonna do that?"
Biffy: "Hello?" [He pushes the teacher away from his desk.] "It's the twenty-first century!" [pulling open a drawer and taking out a phone] "Plant a confiscated phone on him, I can track his GPS." [He tosses the phone to Lee. Lee tries to catch it but bobbles the phone and ends up dropping it on the floor, where it shatters.] "Aw, nice catch." [Lee catches the next phone Biffy tosses to him.] "Hold out both your phones." [Lee holds out his phone and the phone Biffy gave to him, and Biffy syncs his phone with the others.]
Lee: [confused] "Biffy, why are you helping me?"
Biffy: "I could give you a beating if you prefer." [His lips form the shape of a predator's grin.]
Lee: [receding] "I vote for helping."
Biffy: [as the phones beep] "Okay, you're hotsynced. Forty-three minutes to get to the gym and back."
[Lee eases the door to the detention room open and looks out into the empty hall.]
Biffy: [taking a seat and opening his laptop] "Man! This is like a spy movie or something! Wait. But wouldn't that make me–"
Lee: [smugly] "The computer nerd? Sure looks that way."
[Lee slips out the door. Biffy growls in annoyance.]
[Lee races through the school and plants himself flat against the wall next to the principal's office.]
Lee: [whispering into his earpiece] "I'm here!" [He drops the other phone on the floor.] "Do your stuff."
[Shortly after Lee hides elsewhere, the phone he dropped begins to ring. Principal Barrage exits his office and looks around. When he spots the phone, he bends over and picks it up. Barrage looks around for the owner, and then tucks the phone into his pocket.] "Hoo-yah! Con-fis-cated!"
Biffy: [now tracking Barrage] "Got 'im. Gym time. Now I know a shortcut, head up the stairs, and hang a right."
[Lee does as instructed and finds himself at the double doors that lead to the gymnasium. He tries to pull them open several times but is unable to get them to budge.]
Lee: [quietly to himself] "Locked."
[Suddenly, Lee hears a noise behind him and shoves his body up against a locker. His mother is passing by in an intersecting hallway.]
Mrs. Ping: [softly] "What?"
Lee: [whispering] "My mom's right here! Did you set me up?"
Mrs. Ping: "Hmm." [She continues on her way, not spotting her son.]
Biffy: "Easy, Captain Paranoid! Try the entrance behind the stage around the corner."
[As soon as his mom is gone, Lee continues in the direction Biffy indicated. This door is locked as well.]
Lee: "Ha ha. C'mon!"
Biffy: "Kick the lower left corner then bump your shoulder into it."
[Looking down, Lee notices that the lower left corner is heavily dented from others who have opened the door this way. Lee does as instructed and falls into the gym, where the hazmat-suited janitors are hard at work. To avoid detection, Lee crawls on his knees; meanwhile, Biffy monitors Barrage and Lee's locations from the detention center. Unfortunately for him, he notices Barrage heading towards the gymnasium just after he's taken a big swig of soda. Biffy chokes on his drink and spits it out.]
Biffy: "Whoa! Uh, Barrage is coming back, he's on his way, he's like super close!"
Lee: "Where should I go?" [static crackles through his earpiece] "Hello? Hello?" [He gets no response.] "What a jerk."
[Principal General Barrage passes by the entrances to the gym and heads over to one of the walls, where two delinquents have decided to use spray paint to deface the school.]
Biffy: "Oh! Oh, false alarm. And hey! Keep trash-talking me, and I'll feed you to Barrage! Got it?"
[Lee gasps as he spots the school news team's camera. He starts to crawl towards it, but instinctively plunges himself into the muck when a pair of cleaners walk by with a hose. This causes his eyes to be covered in paint, and his vision is blurry as he wipes the paint away. However, even with impaired vision, Lee can see that the camera has disappeared.]
Lee: [gasping] "It's gone." [He spots the shadowy figure from before sprinting out the double doors of the gym.] "Who is that guy? No!"
[Lee stands up and begins to give chase after the shadow. He slips on the floor and lands hard.]
Lee: "Whoa..."
Biffy: "You got it?"
Lee: [picking up a digital camera lying in the muck] "No. It's the wrong one."
[Lee manages to get out of the gym and spots the shadow around another corner.]
Lee: "Hey you! Stop!"
[The shadow doesn't stop, and Lee pursues it. Two hazmat-suited cleaners bring up the rear, chasing after Lee.]
Zed: [talking to his friends] "Dude! Bogus, bra!"
[As Lee passes by the skaters, he grabs a board from one of them and hops on in order to give chase more effectively. Lee follows the shadow to the pool room, where he skids to a stop and steps inside. However, there is nobody there.]
Lee: [annoyed] "Aw, where'd he go?" [to Biffy] "Hello, you there?"
[Loud radio interference screeches in Lee's ear, and two cleaners burst in behind him. Thinking quickly, Lee drops the skateboard into the empty pool and uses it as a half-pipe, reaching the other side swiftly and falling off the skateboard as he ramps out of the pool. Lee quickly gets up, gets back on his board, and skates out of the pool room. He manages to get down the stairs, but the camera falls out of his pocket as he does so.]
Lee: "Crap." [He turns around and picks up the camera.] "Gotcha." [skating back towards detention] "All this trouble for a camera."
[Lee gasps as he sees two cleaners heading directly for him.]
Biffy: [back on the horn] "Still alive? Okay, left…now!" [Lee pulls a hard left into a hallway.]
Lee: "Which way now?"
[Lee's earpiece crackles in his ear and gives him an electric shock. Lee fiddles with the piece, but in doing so loses his balance and falls off of the skateboard. He quickly gets up and runs into another hallway. Meanwhile, the shadow glances at the abandoned skateboard.]
Biffy: [worried] "No! Lee, Barrage is getting real close! Uh, hello?"
[Barrage has assembled a group of four cleaners. He stops at an intersection and signals for the hazmats to head off to his right.]
Biffy: "Hello?"
[Lee is hiding on top of some lockers next to an air vent. The cleaners pass right by him.]
Biffy: [as Lee's earpiece crackles] "Lee? Can you hear me?"
Lee: [after the janitors pass] "Hey. Welcome back. I'm screwed!"
Biffy: [sighing] "Yeah, I know. Look up."
Lee: [spotting the vent] "A vent?"
Biffy: "You wanna make it back or not?"
[Lee pulls the cover off of the vent. When he does so, a moan is emitted from deep inside the vent system.]
Lee: [worried] "There's something in there."
Biffy: "It's probably just a rat."
Lee: "Yeah, something killing a rat!"
Biffy: [annoyed] "Ugh, whatever, go already!"
[Using his phone as a flashlight, Lee checks around the vents and then clambers in to the abnormally large wind chamber. He works his way down the vent, using his makeshift flashlight all the way.]
Biffy: [tracking Lee's progress] "Left." [Lee pauses.] "Keep going. Keep–DUDE! He's coming, he's almost here!"
[Barrage is heading towards the detention room to let out the detentionaires.]
Lee: [shuffling through the vent as fast as he can] "What? You gotta be kidding me!"
[Lee and Barrage head towards the detention room, with Barrage gradually widening his lead on Lee.]
Biffy: [whispering tensely] "He's here!"
Principal General Barrage: [trying to open the door] "Open this door! Stat!"
Biffy: [blocking the door] "Wow, this door is being bad! That's a–that's a bad door! O-pen!" [into his phone] "Hur-ry up!"
[Lee reaches the vent outlet over the detention room but can't get the cover off.]
Lee: [jiggling the vent cover] "Come on!"
Principal General Barrage: "Stand back soldier." [The military man walks away from the door and then assumes an attacking stance, plainly about to try and shoulder the door open.] "I'm taking 'er down!"
[The principal rams into the door at full speed. Biffy's body shakes with the impact, but he resets himself against the door.]
Biffy: [growling at the vent] "Drop down!"
[Lee finally manages to get the vent cover loose–and just in time, as the Red Tazelwurm sprints out from around a corner and heads directly for Lee.]
Lee: [scared] "The tazelwurm! AAH!"
[The Red Tazelwurm climbs on top of the scared teenager and hisses. Below, Biffy uses Niles Peg to block the door.]
Biffy: "Uh, let me try it again! I'll–I'll push and you pull, okay?"
[Barrage's robotic foot heats up, and he raises it to the door to try and kick through. In the vents, meanwhile, Lee is still trying to fight off the Red Tazelwurm. He grabs his phone and shines the light in the Red Tazelwurm's eyes; in response, the Red Tazelwurm flees. Lee chuckles–until the vent cover gives way beneath him and he falls through towards the ground.]
Lee: "Aah!"
[Luckily for Lee, Biffy is standing there to catch him. Unfortunately, the camera falls out of Lee's pocket again and plunges towards the floor, where it shatters and breaks. Biffy nudges the wreckage of the camera under the desk with his foot as Barrage continues to attempt to break down the door. Biffy sets Lee down in his seat and takes a seat himself just in time, as Barrage kicks through the door. After taking several suspicious glances around the room, the principal decides that everything is in order.]
Principal General Barrage: "DEEEEEEE-SMISSED!" [raspily] "And Ping, I'll see you...tomorrow."
[The principal chortles sinisterly. Lee stares straight ahead with a look of quiet desperation on his face until Barrage turns around and leaves. As soon as he's gone, Lee rushes over to the desk and rummages around in the wreckage of the camera.]
Lee: [finding the camera's memory card] "Imagine what could be on here."
Biffy: "It could be a clue! Or it could be pics from a chick's slumber party! Either way we win!" [walking away] "Alright, see you tomorrow."
Lee: "You're gonna be here?"
Biffy: "Yeah, of course." [pulling out his knitting] "I gotta finish my sweater."
[Lee finishes pinning a blueprint of the school to the bulletin board in his room.]
Lee's Inner Monologue: If I'm ever gonna get my life back, I need to know who planned this thing, so I can prove to that half-cyborg principal and my mom that I didn't do it.
[After Lee circles the gym–the site of the big prank–a piece of electronic equipment on his desk begins to beep.]
Lee: "Finally."
[Lee presses a button to stop the beeping and then sits down at his computer, where he begins to look through the photos he found.]
Lee: "Let's see what we got. Nothing...nothing..." [A video chat window opens on his desktop.]
Camillio: "Yo homes, I just realized, if you have detention all year, who am I gonna hang with? Who's gonna be my wingman? Who's gonna like–"
Holger: [interrupting in a different window] "Holger be wingman!"
Lee: [chuckling] "Later guys." [He closes the chat windows and notices another picture: the Red Tazelwurm snarling as it attacks during the prank.] "The tazelwurm?" [Lee clicks forward and sees a picture of some jocks barfing.] "Eww!" [The next picture is of somebody reaching into a backpack identical to Lee's.] "Whoa! Someone did mess with my bag!"
[Lee squints, trying to make out more details on the blurry picture.]
Mrs. Ping: [offscreen] "Lights out!"
[Lee shuts off his monitor. His mother reaches in, flips off his light switch, and shuts the door. As soon as Lee's alone, he turns the monitor back on and takes another look at the hand.]
Lee: "One way or another, I'm gonna find out who did this–and nail them."