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Script


Lee: [enthusiastic] "Step right up ladies and gs, cause we've got brainwashing phones, missing principals, a new, completely insane principal, plus, things being made to look like they never existed." [Pictures of each thing described appear. Lee begins talking normally.] "If only there was just one person who had all the answers." [A picture of the shadowy figures at the dance appears.] "Someone at the top." [Cassandra is shown.] "Someone who can explain why Vice Principal Victoria and Lynch set me up as a patsy. Why Biffy's parents may or may not have designed the brainwashing phones. Why Barrage is gone, who put Captain Crazy in charge of our school, and seriously?" [A picture of Lee's mom fighting with a clog gun appears.] "Where did my mom learn to fight like that?"
Detentionaire

[Lee is holding a robotic baby while three small but angry dogs bark at him. His baby starts to cry.]
Lee: "Uh, nice evil vicious small doggie?"
[Lee reaches out to pet Mr. Margolious and is rewarded by having the dog leap at him angrily, teeth bared.]
Lee: "Aah!"


Earlier that day...8:10 AM
[Tina is on the news.]
Tina: "Good morning, I'm–" [Chaz shoves her out of her seat.] "–guh!"
Chaz: "The person who had the distinct pleasure of sitting next to Chaz Monerainian! Hi. That's me. Heading to class? Well don't you bother, 'cause–"
[Tina gets up, runs over to Chaz, and shoves him out of his chair. She then turns to the camera.]
Tina: "After Principal Blompkins turned the school into his own prison slash clog factory, he was fired."
Chaz: [sitting down again] "Wowsie, that's correct Tina, yay, you actually got something right! Kudos." [Tina lifts her leg up and kicks him in the chest, sending him flying backwards.] "Ow, not again!"
Tina: "And now teachers and the Parent Council are meeting to discuss who's going to run this school."
Chaz: "And the best part, until then, all morning classes are, cancelled!"
[The students cheer when they hear this news.]
Chaz: "And what better way to spend the morning than with a call-in show! Just dial in and tell us why you think Chaz is a better reporter than Tina! Call in and let us know, the lines are now open." [miming a phone call] "Wow, Chaz, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you. I can't decide what I like about you best. Everything is so good about you."
[Lee is walking down the hall drinking a soda when a door cracks open and a voice calls to him.]
Biffy: "Psst! Ping!"
[Lee spots Biffy leaning out from a classroom door. Lee walks over, and Biffy yanks him into the room.]
Chaz: "Gee, thanks anonymous caller." [He gets cut off as Biffy shuts the door.]
Lee: "Seriously?"
Biffy: "So listen, I finally caught up with my parents."
Lee: "And? Are they evil?"
Biffy: "Maybe, maybe not. Check this out." [He holds his tablet up to Lee.] "They said the brainwashing phones were a special order from their parent company. They don't even know why! They were just told to build 'em. So, I did some checking. The company they worked for, Mobile Wireless Federation, is owned by, get this, Mann, Wurst, and Finnwich." [He presses a button, and the prank song begins to play.]
Voice in the Song: [distorted] "Mann Wurst Finnwich!"
Lee: "Like the words in the prank song!"
Biffy: "Not just that. Dude, MWF owns like everything. Everywhere. All over the world! Even Green Apple Splat."
[Lee recalls all the places he's seen the Mann Wurst Finnwich logo plastered.]
Lee: "So they're behind it all?"
Biffy: "Seems like it. And the person at the very top of MWF is–" [He presses a button on his tablet, and a picture of Cassandra appears.] "Kimmie's mom."
Lee: "Whoa! That lady that showed up at the dance? That's Kimmie's mom?" [He opens the door and starts to slip out.]
Biffy: "Hey, where're you going?"
Lee: "To ask Kimmie what she knows, of course." [He doesn't get far before Biffy hauls him back into the room.] "Ak!"
Biffy: "Kimmie would never tell you anything, she doesn't even like you. She thinks you try to use your whole bad boy prank image to be cool."
Lee: "She said that? Waaait. How do you know what she said?"
Biffy: "Uhhhh...well I uh–"
Lee: [making a call] "Yo Cam caf two minutes." [He hangs up.] "So, you and her are..." [He sips his drink calmly.]
Biffy: [growling] "Rrrrrg!"

[Lee and Cam walk into the cafeteria. They look over at the Glamazons' table.]
Camillio: "Señoritas, acquired man. Follow my lead, let Cam turn this place into an inferno of preposterous awesomeness."
[Lee and Cam walk towards the table. Lee takes a slurp of his drink, and Cam pauses long enough to glare at Lee before they move on.]
Camillio: [behind Brandy] "Whaddup chiquitas! Brandy, big shout out, hola girl."
Brandy: "Sup Cam." [laying down her cards] "Read 'em and weep, chiquitas." [She and Cam bump fists.]
Kimmie: [showing her hand] "Full house beats two pairs. Hope you're wearing waterproof mascara."
Camillio: "So uh girls, you know Lee and yours truly were y'know thinking about busting out, heading to the mall, chill and hang, smooth styles."
Brandy: "I'm into that."
Holger: "Guys! Guys!"
[Holger crams into the bench with Lee, Cam, and Brandy, and knocks over Lee's drink. A drop of soda spills onto Kimmie's blouse.]
Kimmie: "You so did not just do that."
[Lee takes out a handkerchief, spits on it, and tries to wipe off Kimmie's blouse.]
Lee: "There. That–just made things worse, didn't it?"
Kimmie: "You, talking to me? You're banned from that privilege for a week. You're lucky I have a spare shirt in my locker."
[Kimmie snaps her fingers, and Druscilla and McKenzie walk with her. She snaps her fingers again, and Brandy joins them.]
Holger: [to Lee] "Sorry. Holger make boo-boo."
[The news comes on.]
Tina: "Breaking news." [Chaz snatches the news away from her.]
Chaz: "This just in." [Tina steals the papers back.]
Tina: "I've got it!"
Chaz: [snatching the papers] "Ennh." [He skims the papers.]
Tina: "All students report to the gym. The head of the Parents' Council has an important announcement."
Chaz: "All students report to the gym. The Parents' Council has an important announcement. Okay, seriously, who was better? Me hands down, right I'm better than Tina, aren't I?"
Lee: "So you see–" [uncomfortable] "I gotta whiz."
[Lee darts off while Cam and Holger head to the assembly.]


[Cassandra walks onstage to start the assembly.]
Cassandra: [into the microphone] "My name is Cassandra. I'm Head of the Parents' Council. Students, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. Due to some major hiring snafus at HR, we are without a current Head of Education. So school's cancelled for the rest of the day." [The auditorium explodes with cheers.] "On one condition." [The students groan.] "We've come up with a small assignment." [A cleaner hands her a robotic baby.] "I present to you, your babies."
[The baby's eyes turn from green to red, and it begins crying.]
Holger: [scared] "Evil robot baby?!?"
Camillio: [chuckling] "Maybe they're just robot babies man, you know, without the evil part." [The robot's eyes grow a deeper shade of red, and Holger hides under Cam.] "O-okay, now you're freaking me out."
Cassandra: "Each baby has been designed to copy an actual child's needs. Capable of a wide range of emotions and–" [The robot spits up on the floor.] "–bodily functions. That you, must clean up, of course." [A cleaner does this for Cassandra.] "Depending on their mood, their eyes either light up red–" [pausing to let the audience see] "–or green." [She strokes the baby's chin, and it's eyes turn green again.] "Green is good. Red is bad. Blinking red is very bad. If the doll has spent more time in the red, you fail."


[Lee walks through the hall. He comes across Irwin, who is tugging a board full of pairs of students.]
Irwin: "Ping. What a surprise. You're not where you're supposed to be."
Lee: "Ha. What's with the board? Making an official list of people who don't like you?"
Irwin: "Ha ha. If you must know, it's for today's schoolwide project. It's the list of who's partnering with who. And we've been personally asked to deliver it. 'Cause that's how important we are."
Lee: [checking the board] "Tina! Score!"
Irwin: [pulling the board along] "Outta the way! Official school business, coming through!"
[Lee scans the board as he walks alongside it. He sees that Kimmie is matched with Dickie.]
Memory Kimmie: "You, talking to me? You're banned from that privilege for a week."
[Lee gets an idea and pretends to trip into the board, shaking several pictures loose.]
Irwin: [muttering] "Doofus."
Lee: "Sorry! I'll help." [He begins to put pictures back on the board, starting with him and Kimmie.]
Irwin: [shoving Lee away] "Get outta here, you stupid troglodyte!"


[When Lee walks into the gym, he spots Cassandra among a crowd of students.]
Lee: "Kimmie's mom? Here? I can just go up to her? Great! Wait, did I just sabotage alone time with Tina? Ugh, why am I so obsessed with this conspiracy stuff?"
[Irwin and Beth push the board behind Cassandra.]
Cassandra: "Now students, please move to the board in a calm manner, find your partner, get your baby, and then you are all free to go."
[The students cheer at this news, and several rush towards the board in order to leave faster. The three people by the board scatter.]
Irwin: "Run for it!"
[Lee is one of the few who doesn't head for the board. Instead, he stands on a chair to get a better view, and spots Cassandra heading for the exit. He runs after her.]
Lee: "Hey! Wait!" [He grabs the woman's wrist.] "We need to talk!"


Lee: "Seriously, we really need to talk."
[The woman whose wrist he grabs turns around, revealing a face that is decidedly not that of Kimmie's mother.]
Lee: [covering] "Uh–bout this wonderful fabric, is that cashmere it's so soft, wow, bye."
[Lee takes another look and sees Cassandra leaving the gym by another exit. He follows after her quietly. Meanwhile, Tina is seeing who her new partner is.]
Chaz: "Aw!"
Tina: "What?"
[A cleaner holds out a baby.]
Chaz: "A baby? With Tina? Okay, you're joking, right? I'd rather eat my own face." [looking at his compact] "Which would be delicious..." [Tina takes the baby and growls. Kimmie has her own bad news.]
Kimmie: "Ping?!? This is so not happening."
Brandy: "It is happening. You and Lee are partners. And I'm with–" [She gasps.]
Irwin: "Guzzah!" [He puts a baby in Brandy's arms.]
Brandy: "You have got to be kidding me!"
Irwin: "On the contrary. You, Brandy Silver, are partnered up with what is calculably A. Nigma High's most intelligent student."
Brandy: [on the verge of tears] "Our baby is gonna be a nerd."
Irwin: "According to my calculations, with our combined genetics, our child will have the brains of Einstein but the social graces and looks of a–"
Brandy: [hopeful] "Princess?"
Irwin: "Precisely. It is the most logical conclusion."
Camillio: [scanning the board] "So who am I with–uh-uh. No."
Holger: "Papa Cam! Ve are married partners, with ze son! Squizzyflax."
Camillio: "We what? Squizzy who-now, I thought you were like scared of robots!"
Holger: [nuzzling the robot] "But, it is my very own robot!" [hugging it] "And I will teach him not to be evil." [to the robot] "Son, no be evil, be good! Okay?"
Camillio: "So unfair."
Biffy: "You think that's unfair, I'm a single dad." [He has two crying robot babies cradled in his arms.] "With twins!"


[Cassandra goes through a door in the school. Lee knocks on it, and his mom steps out.]
Lee: [trying to see past his mother] "Is this where the meeting is? I was just wondering if, uh, if there's no school, am I still grounded?"
Mrs. Ping: "No grounding today. You have a baby project. Go get an A now, okay? Bye."
[Mrs. Ping shuts the door in her son's face. Cam and Holger walk up.]
Camillio: "Yo, Lee!"
Holger: [kissing his son] "Look, Lee! Holger and Cam have non-evil robot baby!" [He kisses it.]
Lee: [giggling] "You guys are partners?"
Camillio: "Not for long, trust me." [He knocks on the door, and Mrs. Ping opens it.]
Mrs. Ping: "What?"
Camillio: "Yeah, hey, uh, Miss, uh, Lee's Mom. Hi. As president, there's been like a terrible mix-up at the baby hospital. I'm with Holger, and–"
Mrs. Ping: "No mix-up. Important meeting. Go." [She pushes Cam away and shuts the door.]
Camillio: "Aw. Least you got a hot wife man, I got whatever–that is."
Holger: "Open up! For ze emu innard sandwich train! Choo choo choo choo oo-choo oo-choo oo-choo!" [He takes a bite instead of feeding the baby, and the baby cries.]
Camillio: "Why you here, dude?"
Lee: "Long story. Short version, I gotta seriously talk to Kimmie's mom slash head of the Parents' Council."
Camillio: "Just wait for her. She's gotta come out sometime."
[The news comes on.]
Chaz: "This is the Chaz, with an urgent text message from the Parents' Council. Students are to exit school property or else."
Camillio: "I guess you gotta get to her house somehow, bro. But no worries man, I got this one. Holg! Piggyback me." [Holger gets on the ground, and Cam stands on him like he's a soapbox.] "Ladies and hombres! Uh, students! I've officially declared today, uh, Baby Party Day!" [to Holger] "That could be a thing, right?"
Holger: "Most yesfinitely!"
[The students cheer, and Cam goes over to Kimmie.]
Camillio: "So if we're gonna have like a house party, we need the right house, and when I think, who has the best most over-the-top styling house at school, that's right, my lady K–"
Brandy: "Great idea. My house, baby party!"
Holger: "Baby party, conga line!"
Camillio: [annoyed] "No! Holg!"
Holger: [leading the conga line] "Ba-ha-haby party. Ba-ha-haby party."
Camillio: [to Lee] "Okay, that kinda backfired. But stick with Kimmie, and I'll use my moves, charm and good looks to convince Brandy to change houses, okay?" [to the crowd] "Yo, conga line, hold up! El Capitan coming aboard!"
[Lee goes over to Kimmie, who is flanked by the other two Glamazons.]
Lee: "So, um, so I guess we're parents. That's crazy. How's little–"
Kimmie: "Save it. I've already called my divorce lawyer: I'll keep the kid, you can share the A. Now excuse me, I have a party to get to." [She leaves.]
Lee: [following her] "Wait! I don't think a party is the best place for our child. Maybe we should just chill at your house."
Kimmie: [stopping] "Me, you, solo hangout? Never happening. Meet me at Brandy's, or not, don't care, never will. Toodles, loosio."
[Kimmie gets moving again. Lee grabs an unopened can of pop from a nearby kid, shakes it up, and runs after Kimmie.]
Lee: "Hey! Maybe junior's thirsty." [He opens the can, and it sprays onto Kimmie.] "Whoops!"
Kimmie: [angry] "That is the second shirt you've ruined today."
Lee: "Guess we should go to your place. Y'know, change for the party?"
Kimmie: "No. I'm going home to change, you are staying out of my sight." [to the baby] "Yes, your ex-daddy is a soda junkie who's never coming within one foot of you, no he's not." [The baby stops crying.]


[Kimmie walks down the street. Lee tails her. When she turns to look, he ducks behind a line of newspaper stands, and she moves on. Biffy walks up to him.]
Biffy: "Stalking Kimmie? Cre-epy."
Lee: "Biff! How'd you–"
Biffy: "Dude, how many times I gotta tell ya, I know everything." [His babies start crying again.] "And I know, you'll need my help." [annoyed] "Ax, Cherry, zip it!"
Lee: "Ax? Cherry?"
Biffy: "Names of two awesome Dudes of Darkness songs. So let me guess. You somehow convinced Kimmie to stay home until her mom shows up?"
Lee: "Pretty much. Want in? 'Cause we gotta go before we lose her."
Biffy: "Nah, I know where she lives."
Lee: "How do you know that?"
Biffy: "Uh, I just told you, I know everything. Now help me. Carry Ax." [He gives the baby to Lee, and the baby spits up all over Lee's face.]
Lee: "You totally knew that too, didn't you."
Biffy: [laughing] "Now you're getting it."


[A bunch of kids are hanging out at Brandy's place with their babies. The news crew is there as well.]
Tina: "This is Tina Kwee, live from Br–"
Chaz: [knocking Tina away] "This is Chaz Monerainian, live from Brandy's baby party." [tickling the baby] "Chaz Jr., whose intro was better? And be honest, c'mon." [The baby giggles.] "See Tina? Even a baby knows I'm better than you!"
[Tina scowls. Cam leads Holger over to a seat by the window.]
Camillio: "Chill here. And no more weird sandwiches for our kid okay?"
Holger: [as soon as Cam leaves] "Silly Cam! He not know that a steady diet of sugar, spice, narwhal horns and gutenberries keep robot baby from becoming evil. Like that!"
[Holger points the baby at another baby whose eyes are red. They make eye contact, and both babies eyes begin blinking in red. Holger gasps. Meanwhile, Irwin and Brandy are talking about their child.]
Irwin: "So at seven, after she graduates from both Harvard and Oxford with a Ph.D, she'll start her own software company."
Brandy: "Or, we put her on the talk show circuit, get her face out there so everyone can get a first look at their future world president, slash princess."
Irwin: "I'm liking where this is going."
Camillio: [walking up] "Okay so while you two plan your delusional conquest of Earth through your kid, uh, you might wanna check out Brainiac over there."
[Brandy and Irwin's baby is knocking it's head against a wall.]
Irwin: "Your beautiful big brain! No!" [He runs off to save it. Cam turns to Brandy.]
Camillio: "So, chica, hey whaddup, okay here's the thing. We need to sorta...reverse this party and land it at Kimmie's, comprende?"
Brandy: "Are you crazy? This party highlights another killer party I can throw which proves to the Glams maybe Kimmie's not top dog!"
Irwin: [carrying his tablet and now-helmeted baby] "Those bumps might've cost our baby a few crucial IQ points!" [He and Brandy walk and talk.] "So, I've recalculated..."
Camillio: [calling after them] "Lee needs our–hello! Yoo-hoo!" [He groans.]


[Lee knocks on a front door, and three dogs wander out: two snarling bulldogs and a yipping chihuahua. Cherry sees the dogs and begins to cry.]
Biffy: "You woke the baby, nice going vicious dogs! Scaring babies? You should be ashamed! Now zip it!"
[The dogs continue to growl until a voice from inside calls to them.]
Kimmie: "Joseph Margolious, Trixie Peterson, Emma Lou, down. Now." [The dogs stop growling and drop, and Kimmie comes to the door.] "Cute. Did you bring your widdle dollies over so we can play happy-time house?" [She spots Lee.] "Why are you here? I said to meet at Brandy's."
[Lee fakes a cough and elbows Biffy.]
Biffy: "So. Uh, that's not how you're dressing your baby, is it?"
Kimmie: "Yeah. Why. What's wrong with it?"
Biffy: "Mmnothing. If you want your baby to look like everyone else's."
[Kimmie's eyes widen and her jaw drops. Soon, though, her face hardens again.]
Kimmie: "My room. Fashion makeover, stat."
[Biffy winks at Lee, and the two boys follow Kimmie into her house.]


[At Brandy's home, Cam knocks over a bowl of chips.]
Camillio: "Oops! My bad."
Brandy: [gasping] "My parents are in Baruba, and if they come home and find a mess, it won't be good."
Camillio: "Good point! So maybe let's move this party to Kimmie's. Huh? Huh?"
Brandy: [angry] "No! Clean that!"
[Cam kneels down and begins picking up the chips.]
Irwin: "You're lucky I'm your partner. Who knows what creepy accident-prone genes your baby'd inherit from him?" [as they walk away] "So, once our child is..."
Holger: "Cam! Holger have ideacake! We make place messy, Brandy mad, kick everyvun out, party at Kimmie's, Lee vins! Yay!"
Camillio: "Dude we are not destroying Brandy's home, okay?" [Holger has left.] "Holg?" [He looks around.] "Holg? Oh, boy!" [Cam smashes a handful of chips into his face.]


[Kimmie, Biffy and Lee are in Kimmie's room. Cherry is crying.]
Biffy: "Cherry! Why can't you be more like your brother Ax?" [to Lee] "Switch."
[As soon as Biffy takes Ax, Ax starts crying. Meanwhile, Kimmie goes over to an intercom.]
Kimmie: "Saunders, my old baby clothes, where would they be?"
Saunders: "The seventh closet by the Chesterfield, Madame Kimmie."
[Kimmie walks into her closets.]
Biffy: "Dude, once she finds an outfit we are so kicked out. We need a plan. And gimme that!"
[Once again, the baby Biffy takes starts crying as soon as he takes it, and baby Lee takes stops crying.]
Lee: [calling] "So Kimmie! How long's your mom been head of the Parents' Council?"
Kimmie: "I dunno, what's with all the questions? Read her bio. Top shelf, white bookcase."
[Lee goes over to the bookcase and pulls the book out. Kimmie comes out with a tiny dress.]
Kimmie: "Whadda you think?"
Biffy: "Why does that look so familiar?"
Lee: "'Cause it's in this picture."
[The picture that Lee is looking at is one of toddler Biffy and toddler Kimmie playing together at the beach.]
Lee: [to Kimmie] "Who's the freaky-looking kid next to you? Your brother?"
Kimmie: [about to laugh] "I'd recognize that heinous hat anywhere, that's Biffy!"
Biffy: "No. What? Gimme that." [He grabs the book and takes a look.]
Lee: "Wait. So you guys are friends?"
Kimmie: "Whatever, we were baby friends. I was two. If I could talk, I'dve told my parents to take me home."
Cassandra: [over the intercom] "Hello, Kimberly, I'm home. Dinner shall be served in the southern dining hall at six. Sharp."
Kimmie: "Can't Mom, got a party to head to." [to the boys] "Well, memory lane's been a blast. Let's go, losers!"
[Lee elbows Biffy, looking for a distraction.]
Biffy: "Ha! You were lucky to hang out with baby Biff!" [He grabs a book from the bookshelf.] "Look how cool I was!"
Kimmie: "We used to call him Baby Clingy. See? Here." [She has found a picture of baby Biffy hanging off of baby Kimmie.]
Lee: "Wow. Memory lane. What a trip. You guys should totally catch up and stuff. I'll just go...use the bathroom. Ciao."
Biffy: [showing Kimmie a picture] "Who's clinging to who? With those lips, Miss Baby Kissy."
Kimmie: "Whatever, you were way more clingy than I was kissy. See?" [She holds up her book.]
Biffy: "Oh really? Looks like a tie."


[Lee is walking through Kimmie's house.]
Lee: "This place is seriously too big. Ax, you're on recon duty. Keep an eye out for–"
Saunders: [over the intercom] "Mrs. McAdams." [Lee ducks behind a wall. Cassandra is around the corner.] "The Council is here, and they are awaiting your update."
Cassandra: "I'll be there momentarily." [She puts her fingers into the eyes of a bust, and a portion of the wall slides away. She walks through it.]
Lee: "An elevator?"
[Lee walks towards the elevator. Partway there, Ax's eyes turn red and he begins crying.]
Lee: [singing softly] "Hush little baby, please don't–something. Something." [whispering] "Okay seriously, you gotta stop that before–"
[Three barking dogs round the corner and growl at Lee. Mr. Margolious yelps.]
Lee: "Something like that happens!"
[Lee runs over to the bust, and the dogs give chase. He shoves his fingers into its eyes and gets no response.]
Lee: "C'mon. C'mon!" [The dogs skid to a stop at Lee's feet.] "Uh, nice evil vicious small doggies?" [The chihuahua leaps at him.] "Aaah!"


[The chihuahua sinks its teeth into Ax. Lee swings the baby around, seeking to dislodge the dog.]
Lee: "Not a chew toy! Bad dog!"
[An upset Ax spits up onto the floor. The bulldogs begin licking it up, and the chihuahua lets go of the baby in order to join them.]
Lee: "Gross! But way to go. Work it Ax."
[The elevator door opens, and Lee backs inside.]


[The elevator lets out in an underground tunnel. Unlike the usual bluish-silver ones, this one has its walls painted yellow. He peeks out and sees two green robots guarding a room.]
Lee: "There's something up with Kimmie's mom, and twenty bucks says she's in there! Time to graduate from baby to agent."
[Lee places the baby in an air vent and ducks down. Meanwhile, Kimmie and Biffy are still competing.]
Kimmie: "Another Baby Clingy attack! Burn. Set, point, match."
[Biffy growls and throws his photo book down. He gets up to clear his head, and his phone rings. Kimmie answers it.]
Lee: [whispering] "Biffy! Keeping Kimmie busy? You are not gonna believe this. Under the house are tunnels! I'm right outside a meeting room. Gotta go. My plan is kicking in."
[The guards have left their posts to investigate the sound of a crying baby in the air vent. While they're distracted, Lee slips behind them and looks at the door.]
Lee: "How am I supposed to–" [He spots a lock made for his key.] "Bingo!" [He takes out his key and pops out the ends.]


[Cam is pacing at the soon-to-start party.]
Camillio: "Okay. I've tried the subtle approach. So Cam is gonna go in hot and heavy now, big times!" [walking up to Irwin and Brandy] "Yo! Brandy! For reals! Look away from the tablet for a second and look at me, look at me, look at me." [He turns Brandy's head towards him.] "Okay. You need to transfer this party like now, comprende? I'm school president, okay, so I demand it!"
Brandy: "Fine."
Camillio: "Fine! Wait, what?"
Brandy: "You sounded all officiallike. And besides, it's too stressful making sure no one makes a mess."
Camillio: "Cool."
Brandy: [to Irwin] "Do that thing again that shows estimated annual income."
Camillio: [looking around] "Okay seriously, where is Holger?"
[Holger is putting into action a plan of his own.]
Holger: "If Holger connect all eye like the baby army, zey can make ze evil puke-fest!"
[Holger holds up his child, and it makes eye contact with another baby. This baby in turn makes eye contact with another baby, and the sequence spreads around the room. Soon all the babies have blinking red eyes and push artificial spit-up out of their throats and all over Brandy's home.]


[Lee steps through the door and into a large cavern. He ducks behind a rock.]
Cassandra: "So that is what is to be done."
Lee: [spotting a picture on a screen] "They're talking about Barrage!"
Cassandra: "And now the final order of business. Are you ready to brief us on the operation tomorrow, Buttonford 704-14-45?"
Lee: [whispering] "Seven-oh-four, fourteen, forty-five." [He sniffs the air.] "Uh that smell! Sulfur and cologne? Who puts aftershave on rotten eggs?"
[Lee sees a shadowy figure approaching him and ducks out of the cavern.]
Kimmie: "OMG!"
Lee: "Kimmie!"
Kimmie: "What are you doing?" [She and Biffy have arrived in the underground room.]
Lee: "I was just, um, ssh."
Kimmie: "What? Don't ssh me! Spying on my mom's business meeting? What is wrong with you?"
[The door slides open again, and Cassandra steps out.]
Cassandra: "Kimmie." [angry] "What are you and your friends doing down here? My offices are off-limits."
Lee: "Um, it's me, Lee Ping. We really need to talk."
Cassandra: "Oh really. About what, exactly?"
Lee: "You being at the school dance? The brainwashing phones? Where Barrage is?"
Cassandra: [smiling] "I'm sorry, Lee, was it? I was never at your dance. And–"
Lee: "But we saw you there! Tell her!"
Biffy: [nervous] "Uh, well, um–"
Kimmie: "I think I would know if my mom was at the dance!"
Cassandra: "Kimberly! It seems your friend is delirious, and should be getting home." [She roughly shoves Lee and Kimmie's baby into Lee's chest and speaks in an hushed, angry tone.] "Don't forget to take your assignment."
[The door slides open behind Cassandra, and she returns to her meeting.]
Biffy: "Okay, that was pretty much a ten on the uncomfortable scale. So, we off to Brandy's?"
Kimmie: "Spying on my mom. And you helping him?"
[Lee and Biffy end up leaving through the front door.]
Kimmie: "Out. Now."


[That night, Lee is in his room, messing with his phone.]
Lee: "Buttonford. Seven-oh-four, fourteen, forty-five." [A video chat opens on his computer.]
Biffy: [surly] "What."
Lee: "I've been trying you all night. Listen, I'm really sorry about making Kimmie hate you. And–oh, losing your baby."
Biffy: "Stop. Talking. Me and you as friends? Over! I am done wasting all my time helping you out!" [He signs off.]
Lee: "But–"
[Lee sighs. He gets up, sets the baby down on his desk chair, and leaves the room. As soon as he's gone, the baby's eyes turn blue, and it crawls over to Lee's bed. There, it spits a circular red piece of equipment into its hand and afixes it to Lee's desk. Around town, the same thing is happening with every mechanical baby, as they affix bugs to out of the way places in every student's room.]
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