Detentionaire Wiki

[It is early morning in the Ping house. Mrs. Ping is sleeping soundly in her bed. Her husband, however, is over at a desk in the corner of the bedroom. He turns a key in a locked drawer, and the drawer opens. He pulls out a picture drawn by a young Lee.]
Memory Lee: "Look what I drew, Daddy! I call him Earl the Eyeball!"
[The figure looks a lot like the eyebots, perhaps because Mr. Ping was inspired to create them by the picture.]
Memory Mr. Ping: "Ha ha! Very clever, son!"
Mr. Ping's Inner Monologue: I always knew my son was special. Destined for greatness! But why did it come at such a horrible price? I met his mother in Korea. We had a son. Although times were tough there, they were also wonderful! But then, things happened. [Mr. Ping pulls out a file.] The hunting. The hiding. The escape. [Inside the file are pictures of their escape route, and of the various Council members.] Then I was working for them! Mann, Wurst and Finnwich. Trying to gain back all I had lost! I've spent my life, trying to find out, what really happened back there. So one day, I can make it right. But how? When the people who were supposed to be the good guys, are really the bad guys? [He closes the file. The file is labelled "MWF."] Why didn't I see it?

[The Serpent's face is on his screen.]
The Serpent: "Priscilla! We have guests." [The screen turns off.]
Tina: "Who's Priscilla?" [A snake hisses.] "Aah!"
Lee: "I'm guessing her."
[Priscilla has coiled herself around Tina's leg. She rises up and hisses in Tina's face.]
Lee: "Stay still."
Tina: [whispering] "I am! Maybe you should tell her that!" [Priscilla draws towards her face.] "Meep!"

Earlier that day...10:05 AM

[A camera is pointed at a house. The Ping's car pulls up to it, and Mr. Ping gets out.]
Mr. Ping: [singing] "Chocolate cake for breakfast, apple pie for lunch, make it a la mode and we, callll it brunch!"
[Mr. Ping walks into the house as The Serpent takes pictures.]
The Serpent: "Okay, big daddy Ping. Reunion time."
[The Serpent puts down his camera and is about to approach the house when he hears another voice.]
Holger: "Hi!" [He runs up to Mr. Ping with a pizza box in his hands.]
Mr. Ping: "Holger! Is that pizza?"
Holger: "Most yesfinitely."
Mr. Ping: [letting Holger in] "Lee, honey, lunch!"
[Mr. Ping walks into the house and shuts the door behind him. The Serpent gets a call on his cell phone.]
The Serpent: [agitated] "Not now!" [answering] "Yes. Your Eminence. I'm at the casino, as you requested. Change of plans? Jenny Jergens? I haven't seen it. Okay. As you wish." [He hangs up.] "Fate saves you again. Pings."

[A ambulance drives by a coffeehouse. Inside, Jenny is reading the book and eating a muffin. She takes a bite and spits it out almost immediately.]
Jenny: [gasping] "No to the no to the way!"
[Inside the book, the cipher has revealed a picture of Lee. Jenny takes out her phone and calls Tina, who answers on the second ring.]
Jenny: "Tina. No time for pleasantries! Get over to the coffee shop, things just went off the flipping charts!"
Tina: "What?"
Jenny: "Just get Lee and get over here! It's super triple double dog important."
[Jenny hangs up. Tina places a call to Lee.]
Mrs. Ping: "Lee! Turn off your phone!" [Lee sighs but does as commanded.] "First. Primer coat." [She holds up a paint roller.] "Very important. Up and down...smooth. Don't zigzag wigwag okay? Be professional." [Mr. Ping eyes the pizza and reaches for a slice. His wife hits his hand with the roller.] "No pizza until briefing is over!" [Mr. Ping looks sad, and she rubs his hand.] "Okay. Briefing over. Eat up. But only one piece!"
Mr. Ping: [happy] "Finally!" [taking a piece] "No anchovies, right Holger?"
Holger: "No! No anchovies, Doctor P.!" [Lee's dad winks at Holger and takes a bite.] "No room for even the smallest anchovies because of the so much flounder, salmon, seabass, tuna!" [Mr. Ping blanches and begins to choke.] "Ooh, and extra-flaky halibut!"
Mr. Ping: "WHAT? FISH?!?"
[Mr. Ping clutches at his throat and begins staggering around the room.]
Lee: "Dad?"
Mrs. Ping: "Lee! Adrenaline pen! Stat!"
[Lee runs off and gets it. Mr. Ping's breathing becomes labored.]
Lee: [handing over the pen] "Mom!"
Mrs. Ping: "Hold on dear!" [She sticks the syringe into Mr. Ping's leg and pushes the needle in.] "Ya!"
[Mr. Ping begins breathing more steadily and collapses to the floor.]
Mrs. Ping: [to Holger] "You gave him fish? He's allergic!" [Holger gasps, horrified.] "Pulse is steady. But we're going to the hospital for a checkup. Lee. Help me get him to the car."
[Lee moves to help but Holger stops him.]
Holger: "No." [He moves forward and picks up Mr. Ping.]
Mr. Ping: "Hospital? I hate hospitals more than death itself." [He sighs.] "Well, I guess it's a toss-up."
Holger: [ashamed] "Holger so of the sorries!" [He begins crying.]
Mr. Ping: [breathing heavily] "I'm–fine. It's not uh, your fault. You didn't know."
Lee: "C'mon! Let's go!"
Mr. Ping: "It's okay son! This just hasn't happened in a while, I'm okay!"
Lee: "But–"
Mr. Ping: "Enjoy your day! For me!"
[Mr. Ping, Mrs. Ping, and Holger leave. Lee gets another phone call.]
Lee: [answering] "Tina? Uh-huh. What?" [The Ping's car leaves.] "Uh, okay then, if it's super triple double dog important."
[Holger walks into the house, staring ahead blankly. As soon as he's inside, he collapses onto the floor, weeping.]
Lee: "Holg! He's goanna be okay. This isn't the first time it's happened. C'mon, Tina needs us at the coffee shop."
Holger: [determined] "No! Holger must make things right." [standing up] "Must making things up to Lee of Pings' father Doctor Lee of Pings!" [throwing the pizza away] "No more fish! The fish god has cursed me!"

[Biffy is pacing on Kimmie's doorstep.]
Biffy: "Kimmie, I know we haven't been talking since I kinda got mad and told you to strangle a baby duck. But we gotta chat. Why yes, I do look good in this fabulous hat! You finally agree. Well okay, one kiss before I save you from your evil mom, but only one." [He closes his eyes and kisses the air a few times.] "Okay, a couple more." [Cassandra opens the door. He notices after a few seconds.] "NYAAH!"
Cassandra: "You do know we have security cameras, right?"
Biffy: "Uh, hi. How much of that did you uh–"
Cassandra: "Baby duck, I'm evil, and then that repulsive lip-pucker thing."
Biffy: "Yeah that was pretty much all of it. I'll just be going?"
Cassandra: "Nonsense. We have so much to discuss, and our chef has prepared far too much brunch." [Biffy grins.] "Care to–"
Biffy: "Free fancy catered meal? So in!" [He walks into the house.]
Cassandra: [to herself] "Join us?"

[Jenny has just taken another bite of her muffin when she spits it out again. This time, the source of the spittake is The Serpent, who has just entered the store. Jenny hastily stuffs the book into her backpack and pretends to be messing with her phone.]
The Serpent: "Well well well. Jennifer Jergens. Whatcha reading? A tall tale of high adventure, perhaps? Gothic horror? Romance?"
[Jenny blushes. The Serpent reaches for the book.]
Jenny: [slapping his hand away] "Hey, lay off, bub! It's just some old lame boring Shakespeare school stuff."
The Serpent: "Ah. The Bard. Iambic pentameter. Soliloquies!" [He takes a sip of his coffee.] "So, shall we go?"
Jenny: "Yeah, like I just do whatever you want. Sorry, kinda waiting for my–"
The Serpent: "Friends? Hmm. How late are they?"
Jenny: [checking the time] "Very, but it's super import–"
The Serpent: "Import, export, Jen-ny Jen-ny Jenny one more time Jenny!" [He pulls her out of her seat. Jenny barely has time to grab her backpack.] "I command you to have a fun Sunday. Before it ends!" [leading her away] "Now say it with me! Weekend!"
Jenny and The Serpent: "Weekend!" [They pass Chopper and Beth, who are staring at each other lovingly.]
Jenny: "You know you're bad, right?"
[The Serpent giggles as he holds the door for Jenny.]

[Brandy is weeping over the phone to Cam.]
Camillio: "So you got booted out of the Glams."
Brandy: [bitter] "Thanks for reminding me!" [She resumes crying.]
Camillio: "Hey, I lost my presidency!" [He is in the lobby of Brandy's apartment building.] "We gotta rebuild, girl! We can be like Cam and Brandy, two point oh! Chiquita, we don't need them! You're way cooler and prettier than all three of those girls put together."
Brandy: [not crying anymore] "Really?"
Camillio: "Well maybe not put together–" [Brandy resumes crying, and the doorman laughs.] "I mean, yeah, totally, just let me up already! This is pretty much kinda mucho totally embarrassing?"
Brandy: "Forget it. No one is allowed into my Pit of Shame. Goodbye Cam."
Camillio: "Waiwaiwaiwaiwaiwaiwait, don't hang up. I know how to cheer you up." [thinking] "Ice cream?"
Brandy: [sadly] "Fine. Come in."
Camillio: [to the doorman] "In your face!" [dancing] "Ooh ee ohn ahn, ooh ooh ooh oohm ahn oom ahn, ah ohm ohm in your face, in your face in your face." [The elevator dings, and he gets on. On each side of him is a cleaner.] "Robot cleaner dudes. What's up?" [He cringes. The elevator doors shut.] "Gotcher big boxes, huh?" [He remembers where he last saw the boxes: when Principal Barrage disappeared.] "So who's the lucky person you're gonna make totally disappear this time?" [The cleaners turn and stare at him. If robots could glare, these would.] "Right, okay, I'll just be quiet now." [The elevator dings, and the cleaners get off. They are on the floor where all the teachers live. Cam looks out and contemplates tailing them until he sees a cleaner pointing a crystal gun at him.] "Aah! Uh, heh." [He punches the button for his floor repeatedly.] "Just checking to see if you made it off okay. Y'all good? Good." [The elevator doors shut and whisk him upwards.]

[Tina is staring into the café when Lee comes by.]
Lee: "Oh hey Tina, what's up?"
Tina: "Jenny's not here, and she's not answering her phone."
Lee: "Maybe she's just in the washroom or something." [He hears a familiar giggle.] "I know that laugh!"
Tina: [annoyed] "Figures. She's ditching us for her boyfriend again!"
[Jenny is indeed putting on a helmet and climbing onto the back of a familiar motorcycle.]
Lee: [shocked] "What? That's the stink ninja!"
[The Serpent smiles at Lee, puts his helmet on, and peels out. Lee and Tina chase him on foot.]
Tina: [frantic] "He's the psycho stink ninja who broke into your home, stole your hair and tried to kill you?"
Lee: "Yes." [calling] "Jenny!" [stopping for a second] "Wait. Did you say 'boyfriend?'"

[Lee and Tina are on the subway.]
Lee: "Jenny's totally dating my arch-enemy!"
Tina: "Uh, correction, our arch-enemy. So? Where're we going, anyway?"
Lee: "If he's taken her anywhere, it's gotta be his evil lair of horror. Y'know, that nice casino by the water with all the pretty flashy lights?"
Tina: "That place? It's beautiful!"
[Lee's phone rings. He answers.]
Camillio: [whispering] "Dude. Cleaner dudes are at Brandy's and they're like totally making someone disappear!"
Lee: "That does sound like something they'd do. What floor?"
Camillio: [whispering] "Cuatro. Everything's loco in the coco styles up in here, bro!" [He knocks on a large pair of double doors.]
Brandy: [inside] "Who's there?"
Camillio: "What do you mean who's there, it's me, the guy you just buzzed up!"
Lee: "That's the floor all the cloned teachers are on! What unit?"
Camillio: [hushed] "Uh, yo I didn't have time to check!"
Brandy: [opening the door] "Where's my ice cream?"
Camillio: "Hee-yeah. Thing is–" [Brandy shuts the door in his face.]
Brandy: "Don't show your face here again without ICE CREAM!"
[Cam heads for the elevator.]
Lee: "Tell Brandy I say hey. And you might wanna get her that ice cream. Oh, and any chance you could like check which apartment they're cleaning out?"
Camillio: "Yeah sure, on it. But you know I'm trying to have my own life too ohnkay?"
Lee: "I know, I know, that's why I really appreciate it. You rock!" [He hangs up.]
Camillio: [not realizing Lee has hung up] "Yeah you know what I do rock!" [holding his cell phone out] "Hear that? Ping thinks I rock!"
Brandy: "So why don't you marry him? NOW ICE CREAM ME!"

[Biffy takes a bite of a cupcake.]
Biffy: "Mmm! That is just so decadently sinfully evil! It's gonna go right to my hips." [He chuckles and finishes the cupcake.] "So uh, where's Kimmie?"
Cassandra: [eying him predatorily] "And what would a young man like you know about evil?"
Biffy: "Weh, enough to recognize it when I'm sitting across from it. Ma'am."
Cassandra: [brightly] "Ah, so you think you can recognize it! Well can you taste it? If you could, you probably wouldn't have eaten that poisonous cupcake." [Biffy begins hacking and choking.] "Or maybe you would. Who knows what teens are into today." [Biffy grabs a pitcher of water and begins drinking.] "That's probably poison too." [Biffy spits it out. Cassandra holds out a vial.] "The antidote?" [Biffy grabs it and swallows it quickly.] "Triple habanero chile hot sauce." [Biffy's face turns red and he begins choking again.]
Biffy: "Aw, come on!" [He drinks deeply from the pitcher of water.]
Cassandra: "That's poison, remember?" [Biffy spits it out. His breathing grows heavy as Cassandra laughs.] "Oh, Bifford, I wouldn't poison you. It's just a joke. I'm not evil, you have it all wrong." [She grabs a cupcake and takes a bite.] "See? You're fine." [She takes a sip of water.] "Well except for that stupid hat."
[Biffy gulps from the now-safe pitcher. Kimmie walks up.]
Kimmie: "I told you. What is he doing here?"
Cassandra: "Being hilarious. Cupcake dear? On second thought, do you really need the empty calories?"

[Lee and Tina are in the casino.]
Tina: "Lee, we can't just waltz right in! We're not old enough to be in here!"
Lee: "Oh yeah? Just watch me." [He walks up to a bouncer.] "Okay buddy. Your crazy boss took my friend. We know they're here, and we want her back!"
[The bouncer leers at Lee. Tina grabs Lee's arm.]
Tina: "Uh, could I just interrupt this macho display of alpha male dominance for one sec?" [pulling Lee away] "Thanks." [She pulls Lee over to a roulette table.] "Are you crazy? He could use your spinal column for a toothpick!"
Lee: "I don't care." [The bouncer places a call on his cell phone.] "Yeah you call your boss! And let us up!"
[Lee gets a call on his cell phone. He answers.]
Camillio: "Hey bro. So the unit they're messing with, it's four fifty-three."
Lee: "Yeah that's Petty's place! Right beside Langhorne's! I knew it!"
[Cam gets another call.]
Camillio: "Uh, hold up, bro." [He answers.]
[Brandy hangs up. Cam puts his phone down, and two cleaners exit Petty's room. They spot him.]
Camillio: [nervous] "Guys. Any chance you got some ice cream in there you could lend me?"
[The cleaners look at each other and then back at Cam.]
Camillio: "We're gonna do that thing where you chase me again aren't we?" [He puts his phone in his coat.] "Wait!" [He kneels down and ties his shoe.] "Don't wanna trip. 'Kay I'm good."
[As soon as Cam says he's ready, the cleaners begin running towards him. Cam takes off.]

[Jenny and The Serpent are in the woods. The Serpent has his hands over Jenny's eyes and is slowly leading her forward.]
The Serpent: "Keep them closed!"
Jenny: "Another surprise? Is it another bike? Oh, and you didn't even leave me in the rain this time!"
The Serpent: "Very funny." [He takes his hands away.] "Surprise!"
[The Serpent has laid out a picnic for them.]
Jenny: "Whoa! Are you seri–whoa!"
[Jenny turns around and sees The Serpent holding a lit welding torch.]
The Serpent: [unflinching] "What? Why so jumpy?" [after a beat] "It's just for the creme brulee." [He toasts the top of the desert.]
Jenny: "Has anyone ever told you you're kinda freaky?"
The Serpent: "Once. Technically twice, but things didn't end well for him or his loud parrot."
Jenny: "Ha, funny! But seriously, you're like, so different. And this?" [She tastes the creme brulee.] "Mmm! This is to die for!"
[The Serpent smiles sinisterly and looks at the book in Jenny's backpack.]

[Biffy is still gulping down water.]
Kimmie: "I can't believe you gave him all that hot sauce."
Cassandra: "I just figured, since he's probably a bully, he might enjoy some bully-type humor. But apparently not."
Kimmie: "Him, a bully?" [scoffing] "Whatevs."
Cassandra: [pulling out a tablet] "Well it says so right in his file."
Biffy: [quietly to Kimmie] "See? That's what I'm talking about! Your mom is evil! Why else would she have a file on me? Who has files on their kid's friends?"
Kimmie: "She's the head of the Parents' Council? She has files on all the students."
Cassandra: "Maybe the bully persona is covering up a crippling case of paranoia. I'll just add that in."
Biffy: "Seriously? This is normal Head of Parents' Council behavior to you?"
Kimmie: "My mom runs a trillion-dollar company, I think she knows how to run a lousy high school."
[Biffy stares straight ahead, worried.]

[Holger has decided that for his penance he will paint the living room wall for the Pings.]
Holger: [smiling] "There!" [upset] "No. Oh, no!" [Holger has painted a mural of a unicorn running on a rainbow in outer space.] "This is what Holger liking, no what Ping family like! Oh, is no good!" [He throws his pallet away and begins banging his head against the wall.] "Oh, so much shame soup!"
[Holger takes out his phone and calls Camillio. Cam answers while running up the stairs.]
Holger: "Cam, what is proper picture to paint on Ping's wall to make them forget Holger almost kill Papa?"
Camillio: "Holg, not the best time! Wait! When you were being like chased around Brandy's place by psycho cleaner dudes, where did you hide?"
Holger: "In the basement. Why?"
Camillio: "No reason! Gots to go!"
[Cam hangs up. The cleaners are approaching. He braces himself and leaps down a flight of stairs. He lands heavily.]
Camillio: "Ow, that so hurt!" [He sees the cleaners running downstairs at him.] "Yikes! But that'll hurt more!" [He skedaddles.]

[The bouncer gets off of his earpiece.]
Bouncer: "Okay kids, you're in luck. Top floor."
Tina: [leading the way] "C'mon. We've got a friend to rescue."

[Their friend is enjoying a nice picnic.]
Jenny: "What is all this anyway? In the park, having a picnic, is this like, you know."
The Serpent: "No, I don't know. What?"
Jenny: "Don't make me say it. Is this like, a date?" [proud] "There, I said it."
[Jenny blushes. The Serpent giggles. This causes Jenny to giggle as well, and they both giggle as The Serpent moves closer–and then reaches into Jenny's backpack and pulls out the book.]
The Serpent: "So about this book. Fancy cover, but it doesn't look like something Shakespeare ever wrote."
Jenny: "Not funny, give it back! Okay buster, you asked for it!"
[Jenny leaps on top of her date and tickles him. He releases the book as he laughs.]
The Serpent: "Stop it! You're so silly!"
[Jenny gasps as she notices three scars on his arm reminiscent of a certain someone's tattoo.]
The Serpent: [following her gaze] "It reminds you of someone you know, doesn't it. Lee Ping, perhaps."
Jenny: "Yeah. Wait, how do you know him?"
The Serpent: [no longer happy] "Oh I know a lot of things, Jenny Jergens." [angry] "Now, about my book."

[Jenny scoots backwards as The Serpent approaches.]
Jenny: "It's not your book, it belongs to Finnwich!"
The Serpent: "Belonged to Finnwich. Past tense. He's gone, and now it's mine." [He yanks the book away from Jenny.]
Jenny: "Ouch! Hey wait, how do you know about him?"
The Serpent: [reaffixing his medallion] "Jenny, you don't get it. Never have, never will." [getting on his motorcycle] "But I do and I got it! So ciao baby! It's been real!"
[The Serpent rides away, leaving behind Jenny and the picnic.]
Jenny: [heartbroken] "Man, I really know how to pick 'em."

[The elevator doors slide open in The Serpent's office. Lee and Tina exit cautiously. Seeing nothing afoot, Lee sprints up to the desk.]
Lee: "I don't think they're in here."
The Serpent: [on the screens in his office] "Well well. Lee Ping and his one true love, Tina Kwee. The honor's all mine. Make yourself at home."
[Lee and Tina look at each other quizzically. Lee decides to go on the offensive.]
Lee: "Where's Jenny?"
The Serpent: "I'm done with her. The unfinished business I have is with dear ol' Daddy Ping." [Lee gasps.] "I'll tell him you say hi. Oh, and where are my manners? Priscilla! We have guests."
[The transmission ends.]
Tina: "Who's Priscilla?"
[They hear a hiss. Tina yelps.]
Lee: "I'm guessing her." [He points to the snake wrapped around Tina's leg. It lifts up and hisses in her face.] "Stay still."
Tina: [whispering scaredly] "I am! Maybe you should tell her that! Meep!"
[Suddenly, Lee reaches out and grabs the snake by its throat.]
Lee: "Okay, quick, back away!" [Tina does so.] "I got it!"
Tina: [afraid] "What about you?"
[Priscilla looks at Lee lovingly and licks his arms.]
Lee: "Huh?"
Tina: [annoyed] "Great. She likes you but hates me." [Lee puts the snake on the floor.]
Lee: "Maybe I remind her of stink ninja."
Tina: "Trust me, you're nothing like that creep! C'mon, let's go!"
[Lee and Tina leave. Priscilla stares sadly after them.]

[Cam is running through the basement. He spots a fridge and skids to a stop.]
Camillio: "Oh, luck be a chica tonight, bro!" [He opens the freezer and finds several containers of ice cream.] "No way score of the century ese!" [He sees the cleaners coming toward him.] "Uh if you stop chasing, you can have some." [They keep coming.] "Okay dudes, your loss!" [He takes off again.]

[Lee and Tina are on a streetcar. Lee is making calls.]
Lee: "Holger and my parents aren't answering!"
Tina: "Maybe your parents are still at the hospital. You can't use phones there, right?"
Lee: [worried] "Yeah. Or maybe he's got them already! Wait. Why did Jenny wanna meet us today? What was so super triple double dog important?"
[Tina shrugs. Her phone rings. She sees who it is, gasps, and answers.]
Tina: [worried] "Jenny! Are you okay?"
Jenny: [in tears] "I have no idea where I am–oh my mom's so gonna kill me! Oh and you were right about that guy, he's such a jerk! Oh he's got the book, he knows about Finnwich, and he's got a thing on his arm just like Lee's!" [sobbing] "And-and he pushedmedowtodagrou..."
Tina: "Okay Jenny slow down, just figure out where you are."
Jenny: "In the middle of nowhere!"
Lee: [taking the phone] "Don't worry. Stay on the line." [He hits the stop bell.] "Tina's gonna go home and come with her parents to pick you up." [He hands the phone back to Tina. The streetcar stops.]
Tina: "But The Serpent! Your dad!"
Lee: "If we both go, no one'll be able to pick up Jenny." [He sprints for the door.]
Tina: "But–"
Lee: "Don't worry, I'll be okay." [He stops at the door.] "I had a balanced breakfast."
[Lee leaves the streetcar. Tina picks up her phone again.]
Jenny: "Tina? Are you there? I'm scared. What if he comes back? Tina!"
Tina: "I'm here, don't worry. On my way."
[Tina looks out the back window of the bus at Lee, who is darting down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. As he goes, he takes out his phone and makes a call.]
Lee: "Pick up already Holg."
Holger: [answering] "Holger says hello, but can you hold on vun teensy moment? Someone is at the door!"
Lee: [scared] "No! Don't open it!"
[Just as Holger turns the doorknob, a foot slams into the door, kicking it open and knocking Holger back.]
Holger: "Uc!"
[The line goes dead.]
Lee: [frantic] "Holger? Holger?"
The Serpent: "Is the gentleman or missus of the house home?" [He giggles maniacally.]
Lee: "Oh no."

[Cam runs up to Brandy's door and knocks on it frantically.]
Brandy: [sweetly] "What's the magic word?"
Camillio: [quietly] "Chica! Por favor for reals let me in!"
Brandy: "Uh, what part of 'the magic word' don't you understand?"
[Cleaners are fast approaching.]
Camillio: [stressed] "Okay, okay!" [sweetly] "Ice cream."
[Brandy grabs Cam and pulls him through the door just before the cleaners can get to him.]

[Lee runs up to his house. He gets a phone call, sees The Serpent walking around inside, and ducks behind a bush. There, he answers his phone.]
The Serpent: "Hello? How are you and Priscilla getting along?"
Lee: [quietly] "Yeah. Who names their snake that?"
[The Serpent giggles.]
The Serpent: "When she hugs you tight, and your ribs start to go pop pop pop, I want you to remember. You're nothing but a half-rate copy of me."
[Lee hangs up. He eases the front door open and slips inside.]
The Serpent: "For the last time, where are Lee's parents?"
Holger: [tied to a chair in the kitchen] "Holger never tell you! You with your foo-foo hair and scary tiger eyes! Lee of Pings will save me!"
[Lee spots the discarded box of fish pizza in the trash and gets an idea.]
The Serpent: [snipping a pair of scissors] "I'm thinking a little off everywhere. What do you think?"
Holger: "No my hairs! Anything but my hairs! Anything!"
Lee: "Ahem." [He is standing in the kitchen doorway with his right hand behind his back.]
The Serpent: "Mister Curious Cat Lee Ping. Here for a trim too? Maybe a shampoo?"
Lee: "You're the one who stinks!" [He sneezes and grabs his nose with his left hand.] "What is that horrible smell? Seriously."
The Serpent: "You mean this?" [He dangles his medallion in front of Holger's face.]
Holger: [gagging] "Eegh! Take it avay! It is smelling like the emu armpits."
[The Serpent puts his medallion back on.]
The Serpent: [serious] "So, where's your dad?"
Lee: [walking towards The Serpent] "He had this problem today. See Dad is kind of allergic to–Holger?"
Holger: "Me?" [catching on] "Oh! Me!" [He giggles.] "Oh, oh, Holger knowing this one! Is it, um, uh, fish?"
Lee: "Exactly." [The Serpent's mouth hangs open.] "So, Stinky Von Stinkypants, unless you're here to exchange allergy medications, you'd better go. Now."
The Serpent: "Or what?"
Lee: [smiling] "I'm kinda glad you said that." [He takes his hand out from behind his back, revealing that it is loaded up with pizza.] "Or how about some pizza?" [throwing slices at The Serpent] "Extra anchovies."
[The Serpent blocks the first two slices with his hands, but the third slice goes over his eyes. He pulls it away, choking, and Lee leaps on top of him.]
Holger: "No anchovies." [Lee tries to force-feed The Serpent a slice.] "Only flounder, salmon, seabass, tuna, halibut, and–"
[The Serpent kicks Lee off of him, spits out the slice of pizza, and runs for the door. He slams into it, bounces off, and stumbles outside. Lee tends to Holger's bonds.]
Holger: [exhilarated] "Ooh! That was so brave! You're just like great Viking warrior King Glueftarkenof, when he battled the barbarian hordes over the salty flatbreads!" [He stands up, now free.]
Lee: "That's what I was going for. You okay? Did my parents ever come back?"
Holger: "No, but being prisoner make Holger very hungry! Lee! How long pizza being on floor? Longer than two-second ruley?"
Lee: "I won't tell anyone if you don't." [They grab some slices and begin eating.] "Something tells me we're gonna need our strength for whatever"