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Script


Lee: "I'm the guy that everyone thinks pulled off the biggest prank ever. And I got a year of detention for it. I sneak out of detention every day in the hopes of tracking down the real prank mastermind." [Lee's phone is shown.] "Some guy who loves knock-knock jokes and goes by the email tag 'Radcircles.' And here's a tip. If your school ever has a frog infestation and the principal offers a field trip to the local Green Apple Splat factory, just say 'no way.'" [Pictures of the failed trip are shown.] "Trust me. Being trapped in a pop factory that's about to explode? Way less cool than it sounds. But this key I found let us into a tunnel system just like the one under the school." [Pictures of the key and tunnels are shown.] "Hmm. I wonder what else this key opens."
Detentionaire

4:07:04 PM
Lee: "At 4:15, detention gets out. And as usual, I'm so not in detention. But right now, that's the least of my problems."
[Lee, Lynch, and Tina are running through a metallic tunnel. They are being chased by three hazmat-suited cleaners with electrified prongs.]
Tina: [panting] "No exclusive is worth this!"
[The trio skids to a stop in front of a pyramid with a locked door and a numberpad. The hazmats close in.]
Earlier that day...
[It is raining outside. Lee's mom skids to a stop in front of the school. Cam has tagged along.]
Camillio: "Wh-hoa, Mrs. Ping! Every drive with you is like an adventure in almost dying! Don't get me wrong though you know it's awesome."
Lee: "Bye Mom thanks for the lift."
[Lee and Cam exit the vehicle.]
Mrs. Ping: "Try to stay dry and I love you and happy–"
[Lee shuts the door in the middle of his mom's goodbyes, and she frowns. She then drives off angrily, on the way splashing a nerd by driving through a puddle.]
Nerd: "Aw, man!"
[When Lee and Cam enter the school, they shake like dogs to get water off of them. Cam splatters a group of cheerleaders.]
Cheerleaders: "Gross!"
Camillio: "Hee hee, sorry chicas, my bad. Hey, why don't you let Cam dry you off with a hug."
Brunette Cheerleader: "Ew. Grosser." [The cheerleaders walk away.]
Camillio: "You know, that did not turn out like I imagined it."
Lee: "Really. 'Cause it turned out exactly the way I did."
[Lee and Cam walk to their lockers. Holger bounds up to them.]
Holger: "Oh! Lee! Lee! Holger wishing you many–" [Cam elbows him.] "Uhf!" [He gets the message.] "I uh, uh, Holger wishing, ice cream sandwiches stayed cold in pockets." [He pulls out a melted ice cream sandwich and proceeds to chow down on it.]
Lee: "Wait. Why are you so dry?" [Holger is completely dry.]
Holger: "Why Cam and Lee wet? You no take underground passage when air cries?"
Lee: "You found tunnels under the school? You mean–they're real? I didn't dream it?"
Holger: "Holger find way in at Brandy's condo that goes all the way here."
Lee: "Where's the school entrance?"
Holger: "In back of library with old spookybooks."
[A shadowy figure approaches and listens in on the conversation.]
Holger: "But Holger can no open zhe door from the library side. Only the tunnel side."
Lee: [taking out his key] "Maybe this can open it. It worked on the tunnel in the island." [He checks the clock. It is currently 8:10.] "There might be time. Ping out!"
[Lee bumps fists with Cam and then runs off. As soon as he leaves, Cam turns to Holger.]
Camillio: "Du-ude, you almost blew the whole plan, man! You gotta keep this qui-et! He can't find out!"
Holger: [slumping] "Holger sorry. Secret hard to keep. Will do better now." [holding up his bare foot] "Pinky toe promise!"
Camillio: [sickened] "Man!" [He hands Holger some cards.] "Just make sure everyone who's in gets one, got it?"
Holger: "Aye aye, Cam."

[Lee rushes through the halls.]
Lee: "Outta my way! Coming through!"
[The bell rings just before Lee reaches the library, and he skids to a stop.]
Lee: "Shoot! Outta time."
[Barrage rounds a corner, and students scatter, including Lee.]
Principal General Barrage: "Whoever isn't in class is late. And late equals trouble. And trouble equals MEAT!"
[The principal walks off, hoping to capture some troublemakers.]


[Cam and Tina are seated at the news desk, doing their morning broadcast.]
Tina: "Good morning, A. Nigma High, I'm Tina Kwee–"
Chaz: "And more importantly, I'm Chaz Monerainian, hi! And we are your school news. Well mostly me. Not so much we. Me."
[In class, Holger hands a boy in a checkered hat a card. The boy reads it, smiles, and nods.]
Tina: "Anyway, our top story–"
Chaz: "Is that Chaz Monerainian has just uncovered the scoop of the century!"
[Cam passes a note to Goob. Holger waves to him.]
Holger: "Hi!"
Tina: "Actually, our top story is about our very own debate team coming in first at the–"
Chaz: "The who the heck cares event, right, am I right? People this is epic, huge, what I've uncovered is gonna blow your mind! Be here in a few days when I reveal the big event, all live, all here on–" [singing] "–Chaz's Corner!" [A logo for the segment appears on the screen.] "With Chaz!"
[Lee walks into class.]
Lee: "Sorry I'm late, I was–"
[The fire alarm goes off. Everyone looks at Lee.]
Lee: "I swear I did not do that."
Mr. Langhorne: "Well if that wasn't one of your schoolboy pranks then–bwah–it must be a real fire!"
[The teacher runs out of the classroom in a panic. The students catch his fear and run out of class as well.]


[The students gather on the football field outside. The rain is still pouring down, but luckily some students remembered to bring umbrellas with them. Lee spots Cam and Holger giggling together.]
Lee: [waving] "Guys!"
[Holger looks up, startled. Lee tries to walk over to them, but when he gets there he finds out that they've disappeared.]
Lee: "What th–" [His phone emits the ringtone for a message from Radcircles.] "That ringtone! Radcircles is back?" [He checks the message.] "Knock knock." [rolling his eyes] "Great, a lame knock-knock joke. Must be him." [Another message comes in.] "It's not lame you are? He can hear me?"
[Paranoid, Lee scans the football field. He spots Cam and Holger talking to Cyrus.]
Lee: "Hey." [Cam hides his cards behind his back.] "How come you guys keep avoiding me?"
Cyrus: "Yo, Ping! Check you later!" [He and Goob leave.]
Camillio: "Us? Avoiding you? Ese, c'mon, you got it all backwards. We been trying to find you."
Tina: "Lee, we have to talk."
[Lee turns to Tina, who has come up behind him with an umbrella.]
Lee: "Kinda in the middle of–" [He stops. While he was distracted, Cam and Holger left.] "Man, what's up with those guys?"
Tina: "Did you see the news? Chaz is determined to scoop me. And you keep promising me a prank exclusive. I think it's time you paid up." [She sticks a recorder in his face.] "Ahem. So what inspired you to assault the school on day one of the new year? How exactly did you do it?"
[Before Lee can answer, a siren cuts through the air and a fire truck drives off, having completed its inspection of the school. Principal General Barrage's robot hand clamps down on Lee's shoulder.]
Principal General Barrage: "Ping!"
Lee: "Gah!" [realizing who it is] "I mean, gah! Sir?"
Principal General Barrage: [in Lee's face] "It seems we had a little false alarm. And I said to myself 'Wendell,' 'cause that's my first name, I said 'Wendell, what kinda pariah, would be so devious as to pull a false fire alarm?' You know what answer I come up with?"
Lee: "I'm sure the punchline is me but, c'mon I swear, I didn't do it."
Vice Principal Victoria: "I have the real perpetrator right here." [She is dragging Lynch away.] "Caught him red-handed."
Lee and Principal General Barrage: [surprised] "You?"


[Later that day, at 12:16, Lee and Biffy are both in lunchtime detention.]
Lee: "Where's Barrage? He's never late."
Biffy: "Why so anxious to see the tin man?" [playing with his cat] "Well hello Mr. Rumplekitty! Are you ready to show Lee our new thing?" [He gives the cat a cell phone.]
Lee: "I wanna try out this key! When he checks in, I can check out." [whispering impatiently] "Come on."
Biffy: "Oh hey, check this out." [whispering to his cat] "Now just like we rehearsed, okay?"
[Biffy presses a button on his phone, and a beat begins to play. He then moves his cat's front paws to press down on various places on the screen, producing a synthesizer tune.]
Lee: "Holger found an entrance to the tunnels, and I have a key, and, that's...really distracting."
Biffy: "And cute though, right?"
Lee: [smiling] "Yes and cute. But I have to get back to those tunnels."
[The sound of the approaching cyborg principal is heard. The principal throws the door open and steps inside. In his right hand he is holding Lynch aloft.]
Principal General Barrage: "Brought you a new playmate: Mister I-Think-Wasting-The-Fire-Department's-Time-Is-Funny!"
Lee: "Lynch?"
Biffy: "In detention?"
Lee: "With us?"
Biffy: [leaning towards Lee and speaking quietly] "I don't think you're going anywhere."
[Mrs. Rumplekittykat reaches out from Biffy's sleeve and plays an ominous riff on the phone.]


[As soon as the principal leaves, Lynch cracks open a peanut and munches on it.]
Lynch: [joyful] "Yo yo! Word!"
[Lynch smiles, laughs, and then chokes. Biffy's cat meows, and Lynch finds his way over to her.]
Lynch: "By golly! You're the cutest thing ever!" [sticking out a finger] "Hey there. I ain't gonna hurt–" [Biffy's cat scowls, extends her claws, hisses, and slashes at Lynch.] "Ow!"
Biffy: [cuddling his cat] "There, there. Did Mister Someone-Doesn't-Belong-Here hurt you?"
Lee: "So. Why'd you pull the alarm?"
Lynch: "'Cause of you! You're my hero! The first day prank, and on the island, when we went into that tunnel? Blew. My. Mind! What a rush! Aw, I had to do something else. When I saw the alarm..."
Lee: "Yeah, well, ya might wanna try not getting caught next time."
Lynch: "Great idea!" [writing on a notepad] "Don't get caught next time." [to Lee] "And how do I do that?"
Lee: "I dunno, this isn't prank class." [He turns his back on Lynch and walks away.]
Lynch: "But you're Lee Ping! You're the Prank Mastah, School Blastah, Lee Ping is the Dude of Disastah! Can I get a what-what, can I get a what-what!" [Lee and Biffy stare at him awkwardly. He chuckles nervously.] "Oh, please Master of Pranks, teach me?"
Biffy: [to Lee] "Someone has a crush."
Lee: "I dunno! Be sneaky, plan ahead? Don't just act randomly?"
Lynch: [writing it down] "Sorry, what was that last part?"
Lee: "Don't act randomly." [whispering to Biffy] "Man I think you're right, I am so stuck here."


[Cam and Holger are chowing down in the cafeteria.]
Camillio: "Everything is–" [He takes another bite of his sandwich.] "Totally going according to plan, man!"
Holger: "We make most excellent spies." [leaning in] "Hear from 'Big Guy' yet?"
Camillio: "Mmm, nada bro. Not yet." [His phone rings.] "Dude! It's him! You do your thing, I'll make sure this works out. Ohnkay?"
Holger: "Aye aye! Goodbyenstein!"
[Holger runs off. Cam answers the phone.]
Camillio: "Whaddup?"


Principal General Barrage: "DE-SMISSED!"
[Lee sprints out of the detention room.]
Lee: "Five minutes till class. Oodles of time."
[Lee runs through the halls. In a hallway that he passes, Cam passes a card to Brandy. They laugh.]
Tina: [on the intercom] "Would the following students report to Room 113b. Holger Holgaart and Skeeter Stevens."
Lee: "What the–"
[Lee doubles back, but Cam and Brandy are nowhere to be found. He shrugs and runs off. Cam and Brandy have hidden from him between some lockers.]
Camillio: "Whew. Close call. He almost caught us, man."
Brandy: "Whatev. Count me in. Ciao."


[Lee makes it to the library and begins hunting for the tunnel entrance.]
Lee: "Now, if I was a secret passage, where would I be?"
[Lee spots a sculpture of the school's insignia sticking out from a wall. He pushes on the head of the sculpture, and it breaks off.]
Lee: [juggling the head] "Yah!" [He catches the head.] "Usually works in the movies."
[The vice principal comes by with two hazmats in tow.]
Vice Principal Victoria: "That wall is going to go." [She passes the mathletes table.] "That table."
Irwin: "What are you doing?"
Vice Principal Victoria: "Haven't you heard. We're transforming this drab, drafty old room into a high-tech library. We close at four-fifteen."
Irwin: "How long is the library going to be closed for renovations?"
Vice Principal Victoria: "Two to three weeks. So get your books now before the end of the day rush."
Lee: [walking back to the statue] "Great. Today could be my last chance to use the door. Assuming I can even find it." [He notices an odd pattern in the bricks of the library and traces it with his finger.] "Hmm. I bet this whole thing spins around. There's gotta be a l–" [The fire alarm goes off.] "Aw, man! The fire alarm? Again?"


[The fire department pulls up to A. Nigma High for the second time that day.]
Principal General Barrage: "There better be a real fire this time!"
[Lee hides from Barrage by using a large teen's body for cover. He spots Cam and Holger talking to Steve and handing him a card. Before he can investigate further, however, he gets a message from Radcircles.]
Lee: [reading] "Looks like your friends are up to something." [angry] "Urrr!"
[He begins to walk over to his friends, but is stopped by a request from Tina, who has come up behind him.]
Tina: "Lee. I still need your help. Please. Chaz seriously wants to squeeze me off the news desk! I'm begging you!"
Lee: "Well, today I do get to take the streetcar home alone. Kind of a special day and all. So I can be late. How's about right after detention?"
Tina: [ecstatic] "Really? Oh, thank YOU!" [She pulls him into a hug. After a few seconds, she realizes what she's doing and pulls away.] "De-u-uh. Okay. We'll–shoot in the studio. Come over as soon as you're out. You promise?"
Lee: "Yeah. We're on."
[Lee and Tina smile at each other. However, the moment is interrupted by the sound of the fire truck pulling away from the school.]
Principal General Barrage: [irate] "Another false alarm?!? I will find out who is behind it." [He scans the crowd with his cyborg eye.] "That's right Ping. I'm looking at you. And it ain't 'cause I think you got a rad haircut!"


[Later that day, three students are gathered in detention. The principal has seen fit to lecture them.]
Principal General Barrage: "Now, I might not be able to prove any you wooly mudflaps pulled that second alarm. But I know in my titanium bones, that one of you did!" [He steals a peanut from Lynch and eats it.] "And when my men–" [He points into the hall, where cleaners are scanning everywhere.] "–finish dusty-dusting for fingerprints, one of you, is going down!"
[The principal slams the door. Lynch continues to calmly eat peanuts.]
Lee: [to Lynch] "So lemme guess. You did it again."
Lynch: "You betcher bippy! I just wanted to try out some of the sneaky moves you told me about. And it totally worked!"
Lee: "Yeah? What about fingerprints?"
Lynch: "I wore gloves. Like you said. Sneaky!"
Lee: "Not bad. But you know what's even more important than being sneaky? Keeping a secret."
Biffy: "Ahem! A moment?" [He drags Lee off and begins whispering to him.] "What're you doing?"
Lee: [whispering] "I need to find those tunnels again."
Biffy: [whispering] "With him here? No dude. Bad idea! There's something off about him."
[Biffy looks back at Lynch. Lynch has just tried to pet the cat again and gotten clawed at for his efforts.]
Lynch: "Ow!"
Biffy: [whispering] "I know it, Rumplekitty knows it, why can't you see it?"
Lee: "She just knows you don't like him. Don't worry, I got this."
[Lee pats Biffy's arm and walks back to Lynch. Biffy growls in frustration.]
Lee: [to Lynch] "Part two: keeping secrets."
Lynch: "Hot diggity! I can do that! Boom boom, secret time!"
Lee: [uncertain] "Right. So, I'm gonna sneak out for a second or two, and I'll be right back. And, this'll be our first test secret." [He winks at Lynch.]
Lynch: [winking] "Gotcha, padre."
Lee: "Back in ten."
[Lee walks straight out the door. Biffy takes a seat next to Lynch and watches him. Lynch continues to shell and eat peanuts.]
Lynch: [to Biffy] "Ain't he just the bee's knees?"
[Biffy receives a call. He answers it.]
Biffy: "Hey." [A response comes.] "Uch, really? Today?" [Response.] "Well it's a little late to tell me now. What time?" [While Biffy is distracted, Lynch sneaks over to the door and slips out.] "Uch. I'll see what I can do."


[The principal is watching the school on his monitors when a cleaner enters his office.]
Cleaner: "Hissin nehru flesh."
Principal General Barrage: "The prints? It's about time." [He grabs the fingerprint slide and puts it into his computer.] "Find me a match! Take your time. I've got allllll day."
[Behind him on a monitor, Lynch sneaks down a hallway. He bumps into Lee, who has ducked down to scan a corridor.]
Lee: "Dude! What're you doing?"
Lynch: "Sorry. Figured I could learn more from, y'know, watching you all in-personlike."
[Lynch attempts to blindly walks into the corridor, but Lee snags and stops him.]
Lee: "Lesson one: those are cameras. Do not walk in front of them. Now seriously, you gotta go back."
Lynch: "Can I just say, you are the best teacher I've ever had? And I've had a lot."
Lee: "Not the best time for a story, buddy."
[A hissing is heard, and the Red Tazelwurm leaps by them. Lee and Lynch run, and it's a good thing that they do, as the Red Tazelwurm is being chased by two janitors. Lee and Lynch hide in a space between two banks of lockers, and the pursuit passes them by.]
Lynch: "Wow! You're so good at this!"
Lee: [fanning Lynch's breath away] "Ugh. Thanks. Did you eat tuna for lunch?"
Lynch: "Yeah! How did ya know?"
Lee: "Lucky guess. Uch. Fine, come with me! It's better than you getting busted out here."
Lynch: [loudly] "Awesome!" [He notices Lee's displeased look and lowers his voice.] "Sorry. Awesome."
[Lee and Lynch take off through the school. Lee evades every camera, and Lynch copies his moves.]
Lynch: [impressed] "Genius. Is there anything you don't know?"
Lee: "Huh? Why is Holger here after school?" [Holger and Tina are by the front door, receiving a package.] "And who's the dude with the package?"
Lynch: "Should we go spy on them?"
Lee: [as they leave with the package] "Nah. Gotta stay on mission. C'mon."
[Lee takes off, and Lynch follows. When they reach the library, they sneak past Mrs. Alice. Lee leads Lynch to the back of the library and then stops.]
Lee: "You keep watch. Let me know if the librarian starts coming this way." [He traces a shelf of books and stops on a thick volume.] "The history of Alexander Nigma. Hey that's the book the play was based on." [He takes the book out. Behind it is a lock that appears to fit his key.] "You gotta be kidding me." [Lynch bites into a peanut loudly.]
Mrs. Alice: "Ssh!"
[Lee takes out his key, pops out the legs, and inserts it into the lock. He turns it, and a section of the wall slides back, revealing a corridor lit by torches of blue flame.]
Lynch: [awed] "Ring-a-ding-ding. How'd you open that?"
[Lee sets the book down. His phone rings, and he answers it. Biffy is on the other end.]
Biffy: "Lynch is gone."
Lee: "Guess how I already know that."
Biffy: "He's with you?" [sarcastic] "Perfect." [normally] "But you gotta get back. Something big's going on! Real big!"
Lee: "Okay okay, I'll just get Lynch and–" [He stops. Lynch is walking into the corridor.] "No, Lynch, come back!" [to Biffy] "Something came up. I'll be back as soon as I can." [He hangs up.]
Biffy: "No, you go–hello? Hello?!? Oh, Mr. Rumplekittycat, this isn't good."
[Biffy's cat plays an ominous riff on the phone's synthesizer.]
Biffy: "But that was! Bravo, kitty. Bravo."
[Meanwhile, Lynch is wandering through the tunnel, eating peanuts and looking around.]
Lynch: "This is the coolest thing I've ever done!" [Lee runs up behind him.]
Lee: [whispering] "Keep it down!" [He grabs Lynch's arm.] "We should head back."
Lynch: "Whoa. What in tarnations is that?"
[Lynch is pointing at a brick wall blocking the tunnel. There is a door in the middle of it. Lee runs over and notices that there's a keypad to get in and a lock for his key. He opens the door, and it slides open, revealing that the tunnel continues behind it.]
Lynch: "Hey, how did you–" [worried] "Uh, I really don't think we should go any further."
Lee: "Ssh!" [He walks further into the tunnel, and Lynch follows.] "This is the tunnel I found when I had that fever!"
Lynch: "This is getting way too weird for me. You were right. We should go back."
[The sound of footsteps coming down a nearby tunnel are heard.]
Lee: "Hide!"
[Lee and Lynch look around. Lee presses a button to open a nearby door, and the duo duck into the room. Alfred Ping walks by, carrying with him a cardboard box. Lee gasps.]
Lynch: "Who is that?"
Lee: "My...dad?"
Lynch: "Really? What's he doing?"
Lee: "Ssh! I have no idea."
[Lee's dad uses a card to open the door to a room and goes in. As soon as he's gone, Lee and Lynch rush out. Lee spots another room further down the hall that looks somewhat familiar.]
Lee: "Hold on. I think that's the brainwashing room!" [He runs towards it.]
Lynch: "Brainwashing?" [growing frantic] "Lee, seriously, we have to go back. I can't get expelled. My parents are square! They'll never understand!"
Lee: "If I can get proof, Tina can scoop Chaz and bust this brainwashing scam wide open!"
Lynch: "No wait!" [Lee opens the door.]
Lee: "No!" [The room is empty.] "It's gone! It's all gone!"


[Lee is pointing to where things used to be while Lynch observes him.]
Lee: "There–was a chair over here with these high-tech headphones. And Green Apple Splat propaganda everywhere!" [He remembers the propaganda.]
Lynch: [flabbergasted] "Students were being brainwashed?"
Lee: "Something like that. Oh, I can't believe it's all gone!"
Lynch: "Maybe they ran out of funding."
Lee: "Or, they got what they needed! C'mon, let's keep exploring."
[Lynch crunches into another peanut. Lee looks at him.]
Lynch: "What?"
[Lee and Lynch reenter the tunnels. Lee stops in front of another door.]
Lee: "There's the door my dad went through."
Lynch: "I thought you wanted to head back."
Lee: "I may never get another chance. Keep watch."
[Lee places his key in the door's lock and twists it. The door slides up, and he jogs inside. Lynch follows him. Inside of the room is a bunch of scientific equipment and notes.]
Lee: "Whoa!" [Lynch chomps on another peanut.] "Dude, seriously. Wouldja stop eating those? You're gonna get us busted."
Lynch: "Sorry! I eat when I get nervous. Or excited. Or tired. Or scared. Or hungry. Or full." [dusting off his hands] "But I'll stop! My peanut days are over, I swear."
[Lee turns his attention to the desk beside him. He spots a picture on the desk.]
Lee: "The picture of me and my parents." [It is from when Lee is a baby and his parents are in a foreign land.] "Is this my dad's desk?"
Lynch: "What'dja find?"
Lee: "Uh, just some schematics." [He removes the picture from its frame and tucks it into his pocket.] "But, this could be the big story Tina was looking for!" [He calls her.]
Tina: "Hello?"
Lee: "Tina! Have I got a story for you."
Tina: [annoyed] "Really? But you have to get back to d–wait. What kind of story?"
Lee: "Only the biggest conspiracy ever!" [realizing] "Hey how did you know I'm not in detention?"
Tina: "Uh, you said 'story,' so I just assumed–"
Lee: "Just–meet me at the back of the library. Quick!"
[Tina hangs up and waves to a group of shadowy figures.]
Tina: "Don't worry. I'll get 'im!"
[Lee and Lynch start wandering back to the library. Lynch's phone rings.]
Lynch: [into the phone loudly] "Uh, Mom, I can't talk now, I'm with a friend?" [Lee and Lynch exit the corridor. Lynch grabs Lee's arm.] "Not to be a nervous Nelson, but we really should get back to detention!" [faking calm] "It's been fun, but, y'know...too much of a good thing?"
Lee: "No! I owe Tina big time."
Tina: [walking up] "Lee, detention's nearly over–wait. What's all this?"
Lee: "C'mon, there's no time."
[Lee grabs Tina's arm and drags her into the corridor. Lynch follows them.]
Tina: [shocked by her surroundings] "Okay! You definitely have my attention!"
Lynch: "This is a bad idea!"
Lee: "Good thing you like being bad, right bad boy?"
[Lynch whimpers. Lee leads Tina to the room his father was in.]
Tina: "I can't believe there are tunnels down here! I read somewhere that the school was built over an old subway station, but, that's not really a news story students are gonna care about."
Lee: "It's way bigger than that! Someone's using these tunnels!"
[Lee puts his key in the lock. The door slides up, revealing the room to Tina.]


[The principal is catching some shut-eye in his office when he's awakened by a loud beeping.]
Principal General Barrage: "Wha? Fingerprint match? I knew it!" [He checks the computer. Lynch is the match.] "Again?" [gleeful] "Time to exact my revenge."


[The room is empty.]
Lee: "Whuh–I don't believe it! It's impossible! Lynch, back me up. There was a desk right here. And all these schematics!"
Lynch: "Yeah, I'm not really sure what we saw now."
Tina: [sarcastic] "This just in, school has extra broom closet. C'mon, you need to get back to the surpri–whatever, let's just go."
[The trio walk out of the room. Their footsteps make crunching sounds, but these sounds are swiftly overridden by the sound of approaching hazmats.]
Lee: "Aw man, how did they find us?"
[Lee looks down. The floor is littered with dropped peanut shells.]
Lee: "Uhh. Your shells led them right to us!"
Lynch: "Them who?"
[In response, three cleaners skid around the corner, carrying with them electrified poles with collars on the end.]
Lee: "Run!"
[Lynch and Tina waste no time responding to his command.]
Tina: [stopping] "Are those electrified collars? That can't be legal. Now this is a storyaah! Hey!" [Lee has pulled her away so that she doesn't get captured.]
Lee: "Keep moving or you'll never do another story about anything ever again!"
[Lee's phone rings. He answers.]
Biffy: "Uh, dude? You need to get back here, now."
Lee: "That's gonna take a huge distraction."
Biffy: "Gotcha! One huge distraction, coming up!"
[Biffy walks over to the fire alarm and pulls it. The bells go off.]
Tina: "They're gaining on us!"
[Suddenly, the trio skid to a stop. The wall in the middle of the corridor has shut its door.]
Lynch: [scared] "I could really use a peanut right now."
Tunnel Security System: "Attention all personnel. The Red Tazelwurm is loose in Sector Four. Repeat, the Red Tazelwurm is loose in Sector Four."
[The hazmats lower their weapons and leave to take care of business elsewhere. Tina heaves a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, a bunch of people are filing out of the school.]
Camillio: [walking up] "M'kay, new plan, right this way, amigos and amigas! Now we gotta take it all outside!" [to Biffy] "Thanks, big guy."
[A short while later, Tina, Lynch, and Lee exit the school.]
Lee's Friends and Parents: "Surprise!"
Camillio: "Dude!"
Holger: [taking a cake out of a box] "Happy birthday party Leemiester!"
Lee: "A surprise birthday party? In the rain? Guess that fits."
Mr. Ping: [putting a hand on his son's shoulder] "Lighten up, you're always so serious."
Lee: "Dad? Uh, hi. Um, Dad, how exactly–"
[The sound of an angry cyborg approaching is heard. He stops in front of the group.]
Principal General Barrage: "Lynch! Webber!" [Lynch gasps.] "I don't know who pulled number three, but alarm number two, was perpetrated, by YOU, Lynch!" [holding out a device] "And I've got the proof."
Lynch: "Impossible. I wore gloves!"
Principal General Barrage: "These babies can get glove prints!"
Lynch: "Aw, rhinoceros beetles."
Vice Principal Victoria: [walking up] "I've got a special detention project for you. Sorting expired student files." [marching Lynch into the building] "That should keep you busy for a long time."
Lee: [to Tina] "There was a lab in there, I swear! Sorry. We can do the interview now if you want."
Tina: [walking away] "It's okay. Just enjoy your birthday."
Lee: "Wait, have some–" [Holger hands him a waterlogged slice of cake.] "–wet–cake."


[That night, Lee has taken to looking at the picture of his parents and him when they were all much younger and in a foreign land. His father peeks into his room.]
Mr. Ping: "Hey, kiddo. Did you have a good birthday?"
Lee: "Not bad, thanks. Uh, Dad, I've been meaning to ask–" [He holds up the photo.] "Where was this taken?"
Mr. Ping: "Oh. Uh." [He scratches the back of his head.] "It was taken in Korea. Before we left. Where did you find it?"
Lee: "Wait. I thought I was born here."
Mr. Ping: [awkwardly] "Oh, you were, I, mean, we were just visiting."
Lee: "Oh and, how did you get to my school today? Holger said he saw you underground, but that doesn't make any sense."
Mr. Ping: "Oh, that." [His eyes dart around nervously.] "Well, um, hmm. The truth is, under the city is an old abandoned subway line and uh, well, sometimes when it rains, I use it! But don't tell your mother. She hates me!" [His eyes dart around widely as he senses he's said too much.] "Doing dangerous stuff." [Lee cocks an eyebrow as his father heads for the door.] "A-and you tell your friend Holger to stay out of there. Not safe! Rats, smoke, peanut shells, tunnel cave-ins–it's just plain not a good place to be."
Lee: "Right. Sure thing Dad."
Mr. Ping: "Sweet dreams, buddy. And hey. Happy birthday."
[Lee's father shuts the door. Lee collapses onto his pillow.]
Lee: "Dad knows way more than he's letting on!" [looking at the picture] "Or maybe he doesn't? I don't know!"
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